Three weeks felt like a dream, when I finally got hired at my dream job. It wasn’t a permanent job, just a seasonal position at a camp I had grown up with. That was all I had ever wanted by then, before college, before medical treatment, before the paychecks that place would write. All I ever wanted was to give back to that camp what it gave to me, and now I’ve thrown it all away because of my own mistake. Because I thought I was being funny, I thought they were my friends, but at the same time, I wasn’t thinking very clearly. That same day, I was called into the office, and my boss let me go. He told me he didn’t want to, that he was only doing it because of company policy. The texts I sent to someone I thought was my friend had been seen by him, and that night, I cried in front of him. He watched a big part of my life, both of us spoke so highly of each other and I always spoke highly of that camp. Even after all this, I still will see that camp as my happy place despite the fact I’m locked out of it. I ruined my only chance to create magical weeks for countless kids, to inspire them to be great people and do great things. I can’t do that anymore, and it’s all my fault. I’m not angry that them, I’m not angry at anyone but myself. That night when I was sent away, I wanted nothing more than to tear at my own skin and make me bleed. I needed physical punishment, because some sick part of me believed that being let go wasn’t enough. That wasn’t the only thought I had, I wanted to run away and kill myself as well. I thought that there wasn’t anything left for me anymore, just the thought of going back to camp was one of the things that kept me from ending it all so many times. But I didn’t, because of the kindness of a family friend who worked at camp as the nurse. She consoled me, told me that I wasn’t a bad person, that I still had friends and people who loved me. At that time it didn’t feel like it, especially after I told my mom and heard her rage through the phone. When it was time to go to bed I cried myself to sleep, then did it three more times after I woke up. I felt completely broken, and I still do. Being there at that camp was all I had planned this summer, I was so confident and excited to be there, to make my mark just like so many counselors before me. Now I can’t. For two weeks of training I met many new people, I was nice to everyone, I made friends even in unusual places, and I even fell in love after so many years of being unable to. It’s all gone, and I only have my mom, some friends, some family, and my dog to help me. My mom is only partially there since she works nights at a hospital, and the stress eats her alive from the inside out. We’ve both reached rock bottom, both of us are hurting financially, and neither of us are any sort of healthy. My mind is broken to the point where I’m in a state between childish joy and complete despair, where I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. I need to grow up and become an adult, but I don’t feel like I’ll be able to, I don’t have faith in myself. I don’t know what I’m going to do…