I have been married for less than a year (9 months) and have been cheating on my gentle, kind, sweet husband for something like seven of those months. The other man is an ex of mine that I love desperately, and whom I’ve never quite gotten over. Despite my feelings for him, he’s not very stable, and deep in my heart, I know our relationship probably won’t ever work. This is in contrast to my husband, who has loved me unwaveringly, through everything.

The affair started in October. The man and I met several times, had a few lunches and beer dates, made out on the floor one sweaty night, but didn’t sleep together. A week later we booked a remote cabin together and went away for a weekend, at which point we did sleep together. After that, we started meeting up in rented VRBOs for weekends together – each time with me lying to my husband. I’ve slept with him dozens of times, now, and it’s like I have two relationships going on. I’ve confessed to some of the infidelity, but not all of it. Somehow, my husband still wants to work things out, but I can’t seem to let the other man go. I’m sick of myself, and totally unsure of what to do. It seems obvious from the outside, but it’s gut-wrenching to be inside of all of it.