I’m in love with my boyfriend’s best friend.

It wasn’t something I noticed at first. He’d been best friends with him when we first started dating five years ago. We all actually lived
together for a while at the beginning.

I always liked him as a person. He was funny and confident. He had a bright pink phone case and loves musicals and didn’t care what any other guy thought about that. Which I admired.

He was also amazingly sweet. He’d be the first to help anyone in need, and the last person to make harsh judgements. He has the kindest eyes that I’ve ever seen.

I didn’t realize I was in love with him until about a year ago.

My boyfriend and I have gone through a lot the last five years. He has a regrettably short temper, fueled by a traumatic childhood. His best friend has been there for a lot of our bigger fights and I always felt thankful that at least he had a neutral person to talk to and work through things.

Recently we moved , moving less than a mile away from his best friend. He came around a lot (almost every day) and became apart of my planning for meals and other things.

And that’s when I started noticing it.

That I was happy when he was around. That I looked forward to talking to him about things; movies and music or even just a funny story. I didn’t feel the need to dress up around him or make sure my “face was on”. He was just there, and comforting.

I was lying awake at night when it donned on me.

I’m in love with him.

And I have been for over five years.

But we could never be together.

No, not even in my wildest fantasies could I see us as a couple, or even in an intimate setting.

Because the things I love about him, his fierce loyalty and strong morals are what keeps us apart.

I know he isn’t in love with me.

At least I think he isn’t.

The one doubt I have is long before my boyfriend I got together. We were all tired and sick of the summer heat, seeking refuge in an air conditioned room. We all ended up taking a nap, and subconsciously I cuddled into him instead of my boyfriend.

And he cuddled me back.

I was totally embarrassed and we never talked about it, as my boyfriend and I had been “talking” and doing anything otherwise would be inappropriate. But I liked it, regardless.

I guess I can hold onto that feeling, that sickly sweet romantic thought like we’re in some kind of movie and he’ll show up on my doorstep professing his love for me. Or maybe I just let it go. Probably the healthier of the two.

I don’t think I could possibly stop thinking

What if?