I am a 24 yr old male. I have been s******* abused as a child and it has caused serious marriage problems when being intimate. I have looked up sickening things on the internet which lead to even worse things coming up as a search result. I just want all these thoughts to go away. I am not a bad person. I avoid conversation about having kids with my wife because I have so many fears and I keep a lot of things bottled inside me. I am terrified to go to a public confession or talk to absolutely anyone about the serious troubles I face. I try to convince myself that this is temporary. That I will get over it. I don’t want to live my life like this. I have so many things I want to accomplish.
I just want to live a normal life. I want to be a wonderful father some day and a great husband. I want to enjoy my life and my marriage but I have no idea how to purge these demons that haunt the back of my mind every single day. It used to be easy. As a teenager it was like filling up a far with pennies and sealing it. 1 penny for every horrific thing that’s come across my mind. Drop a thought in to the fortress that made up my mind and lock it away. It’s become so much harder to do that. These past few years I’ve felt my mind slipping.
I have a clean record. Not one crime, ticket or court date. I’ve never even been confronted by the police before. I’ve never done anything out-of-line. But the thoughts of me doing things out-of-line are frequent. This is my first attempt at even trying to speak about it. I don’t know how to move past these things or to get them out of my head.
I just want to be normal. More than anything.
