I wished a person would die because they reminded me of a major failure in my life, and now they’re dead. My experience with them lead me to to socially isolate myself for a long time, and more than a decade of depression that has made it hard to get what I want out of life. They weren’t solely responsible for this, I was already kind of messed up in my mid-teens, but this really pushed me over the edge. I’ve pulled myself up a lot since then and accomplished some important goals, but still struggle with self confidence and social situations. I’ve realized for a long time now that while they weren’t what I’d consider to be a quality person, nor did they really seem to care how much they hurt me, that I’m more mad at myself than at them. I should have seen the warning signs, and not been under the illusion that our relationship would fix all my problems. At the same time I know I shouldn’t beat myself up too badly over my own actions, they were stupid but not worth all the pain I put myself through.
I’m feeling guilty but also kind of relieved, which also makes me feel guilty. I’ve had no contact with them for more than a decade, so I wasn’t even remotely in their orbit in recent history. I’m also not superstitious at all, I know nothing I hoped for played any part in them dying. They had mental health issues, alcoholism ran in the family, they also became an alcoholic, that’s what probably happened. Was I justified in being so angry with someone who was born with such s***** circumstances? Certainly not to the point that I’d wish them dead. I’m also relieved because I had a stupid fear that if I achieved great things with my life they’d somehow show up and try to take it away from me. That’s utter nonsense. That sounds like deeply internalized high school dynamics that don’t exist in the real world, and bad tv writing. Which brings us back to guilt because while I’m now disgusted that part of me is glad this person isn’t around anymore to hypothetically screw things up for me, I’m still relieved. I’m trying to be a better, less angry person now. I’ve met someone who might actually be a good match for me. Could they love someone who has dark thoughts like these? Are they just intrusive thoughts or am I just a bad person?
