i broke my promise about never self harming. sometimes the emotions are too much and i just have to sffucking scratch myself or hit myself or something and it feels good and itts, its just a psychological thing, i guess. i used to be able to control myself, to force myself not to do it. but now that i’m… completely heartbroken, it’s hard to find the motivation or willpower to stop myself. i know my friends care about me, and i know people still need me, so i don’t hit myself too hard in the head or the stomach. it’s a pain to deal with the scratches on my stomach and leg. of course, i haven’t used a knife, just my nails or a comb. knives are a little too scary. i don’t wanna bleed too much. don’t wanna create a wound that would take too long to heal. don’t wanna do any lasting damage. i just get a strong urge to hurt myself somehow, and when i do it gives me sort of an emotional high. i don’t know, i’m not totally mentally stable.
just, sometimes i just can’t stop myself. last night in bed i was feeling so pent up and angry and emotional that i scratched myself on the stomach in sort of an X, and i ended up breaking the skin like, a lot. the scratch marks on my ribs are annoying. they don’t look good. it was a dumb accident.
stupid stupid idiot. blugh.
i hate myself even though i’m smart enough to know that i shouldn’t hate myself. that’s depression for you, i guess.