One of my closest and most beloved stage performer friends went on to become a dancer and model, and I couldn’t have been more proud and happy for her. She did amazing work and remains one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. But despite her notoriety and long before her career, she had and continues to struggle with BDD (think extreeeeme self loathing of ones own body, disassociation, self harm, and suicidal depression). I’ve always been worried but I had hopes when she started to get recognized and signed to places that it would slowly help her condition. It didn’t really.. but she kept trying.
Then recently she announced, excitedly mind you, that she was pregnant! Her and her boyfriend were to be expecting their very own child. Everyone was so happy for her… except me, and I don’t know or understand why.
She’s so excited, even posting up ultrasound scans with pride and bubbling over cravings and the miracles of creation and on and on… by all evidence, she’s HAPPY, damnit. So why can’t I be happy for her? I’ve always been happy for my friends when they want and have children. I’m overjoyed and at sincere peace when my friends become parents because I know what loving, considerate people they are; how they’d make great parents and exactly what a bright future needs!
So why am I just… so uncomfortable? I feel… bad. Worried.
I don’t really care about anything else but her being safe and happy. I don’t care who she dates, I don’t care what she does, I just want her to find and stay *happy.* …She deserves it… she’s been through so much more than she’s comfortable admitting, but I know. I’ve seen it. I want her well.
*sigh* I just.. don’t even know, man.