I Fell for a F*** Boy

So I’m gay, and I’m forced to go to church. Yes, my parents know and my mother is happy and supports me. My dad, on the other hand, he’s still very iffy about all of this and he wishes that I would, “Ask God to “help me”. He is always bringing religion into everything that religion makes no sense. He’s a fanatic, he has no relationship with God, he just has a religion. What’s worse about all this is that he tells people at church to, “Pray for my son”. It makes me so upset like, am I really sick? Am I sinful?

But anyway, there is this f*** boy at my church who is the WORST example of a human being. He’s the kind of kid that people try to not be around. He takes drugs, and he’s constantly having s** (What’s more annoying is that he brags about it, in BIBLE STUDY!!). My youth pastor, he has NO problem with how irrational, confusing, crazy, mean, s*****, and immature he acts for his age. When he was a kid, his mother took drugs and he was passed down to different family members to take care of, and he uses that as an argument. I get it, you had a bad past, but so did I. I just learned to s*** it up and be a man.

So, at a church camp retreat, he got a b****** from my friend. And he treated her like s*** after that because he doesn’t care about emotions. She hates him and regrets doing that. I talked to him for a while on Snapchat and got h****. So… I asked him for some pics of his shirt off. He said no. I came out to him and he was okay.

Now, at a recent church retreat, my pastors talked to me about it. But, it happened last year though. So… why now? Anyway, the pastors said that it was wrong and that it’s unhealthy and sinful. They asked me if I was gay, so I had to lie and then say that I’m not. They believed me. But then they all gave me a lecture on how homosexuality is wrong, sinful, unhealthy, and all this other b*******. The F*** Boy told one pastor, who told another pastor, who told my dad. Now, I had three people separately scold me on that. I’m pretty sure that one scolding is enough.

But after the last scold by my father, I was just filled with so much immense hatred and anger that I was literally on the verge of tears. I wanted to cry. They all separately scolded me on Sunday, which was when my mother was picking me up. I just had to bear with it. I sat through the service holding back the tears and fear the everyone would think of me differently. I didn’t want anyone to leave me. I fely alone.