After matter of minutes of having my first kiss, I lost my virginity at 17. To a guy who was in a two year relationship. It all started when I walked into IHOP with my friends, we looked to the right of us and saw a group of boys who went to a private school. One boy in particular standed out, tall with beautiful hair and skin, he looked like Aladdin. My friends and I couldn’t stop blushing, I acted like a total fan girl. Often trying to look at him from the table I was sitting at. My friend got the courage to ask for his Snapchat. Surprisingly he had shared it with us. Him and I hit it off, we would constantly text and would FaceTime until I fell asleep. I trusted and opened up to him, I thought I knew him but I really didn’t. He seemed like the total package, something to good to be real. All my friends had the worst feeling about him, begging me to cut him off, but I didn’t listen. I should have known, I recognized all the red flags but chose to ignore them. I just wanted to see good, nothing else. He helped me open my eyes to so much, he got me wanting to do and be better. Butterflies in my stomach every time I would see the notification of his call or text. As my friends were in disapproval, my feelings just kept getting stronger. Only for it to all shatter in just a blink of a eye. After sometime, I sneaked out to hang out with him. We went up to his room, watched Harry Potter, and what started as innocent cuddling turned to something more. My whole life virginity had meant a lot to me. How did I just put all my morals aside? Was it because I was feeling lonely and insecure? I still ask myself those questions. He dropped me back home and I fell right asleep. I woke up to get ready for work, while at work I realized he hadn’t texted me which was odd. I checked his Snapchat and realized he had unadded me. I was in total disbelief. I cried feeling pathetic in the bathroom of my job. I was so lost. I tried putting all the blame on myself, saying it was all my fault. That I wasn’t good enough. I was left with so many unanswered questions, not even a goodbye text. I had soon found out he has done this to several other girls. Yet, I still just wanted to talk to him like old times, I hated myself for missing him even with all the things he had done. Other guys had tried to talk to me but it never felt the same, I just wanted to talk to him. After a couple of weeks, I had found out he has been having a two year relationship with another girl. When finding that out, I got the closure I needed. However, it still does not take away the pain he had left. Feeling like I am not worthy or good enough for anyone. Day by day I am getting my confidence and self respect back. It’s all a slow process but one thing I can thank him for, is giving me a huge life lesson where I can learn and to grow from it all. So I can be better and know better. To know my worth. I’m still not 100% over it, but time is what is needed. Everything seems like it would be in a movie, it all just seems like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from. I still wish him no harm and only want to see good come his way. My heart breaks every time I think about it, I don’t know what I would do if I ever see him again. Will I throw something to his head? Or will I pretend he doesn’t exist and show that I am doing good? Or will I just break down?
