I hate that my ex-girlfriend is happy. I can’t get over just how much I hate it. I try so hard to not care, to let it go, to realise that now that we’re no longer together she’s free to do whatever she likes and her relationships and her life is no longer my concern and vice versa. But I hate it. She clearly loves her new boyfriend in a way that she never loved me and that hurts so f****** much. I know that I can’t just go by what I see on social media, that there is always more to what we see there, but she posts more frequently and more positively about him than she ever did for me.

I realise now that the pangs of hurt that I think is me missing her, it’s not really. I just want her back so that I can ‘win’ in some way. That I can destroy the happiness she has with this new guy. It makes me feel evil to be honest. Like I’m this horrible, negative person that just wants to see the two of them self-destruct and ruin whatever happiness they’ve found with each other.

I also get aggressive impulses in regards to this new guy. I’ve already hit him when I’ve been drunk in his company. It was super unfair of me and I regret it, it just proves how pathetic and still tender I am about the whole thing. But I can’t help but love the fact that he was scared, that he didn’t even try to fight back, that he looked so weak and pathetic in that moment. But it’s all fleeting. He’s still with her, they’re happier than ever, and I’m still sitting pining over her and wishing they would just break up already for my benefit.

It’s gotten to the point where their happiness is affecting my own. I’ve been with other people since we broke up, people that have even been potential relationship material, but my own insecurity and pettiness is so domineering that it gets in the way. I can’t help but think about them together and it makes me want to kill myself. I don’t know how to be healthy about all of this. I want to not care and I want to not be so reactive and emotional and jealous. I never was before her and now I can’t shake it.