I haven’t seen my father for almost a year and I haven’t spoken to him for 3 months. Before then, I didn’t see him for a couple of years and are relationship has been on the rocks for 12 years or more.

He’s ill, he has mental illness and we think it’s likely he’s autistic.

When my parents split he put all the blame on my very unhappy mother who had tried so hard to “stay together for the kids”. He used to angry, never abusive just not able to cope with his brain. He’s incredibly intelligent but he doesn’t seem to be able to consider what he has done to harm us.

My Father can just not move on, he still emails and calls just to tell my mum how much he doesn’t like her. He has called my sisters b****** and they don’t talk to him anymore. I’m the last one. It takes so much effort to speak to him. I’m scared he will die and I’ll live with the guilt forever of letting him live his years alone.

There’s so many things I can’t forgive, like him telling my 14 year old self that he wanted to kill himself, that he was so angered by my mum getting attention when she had CANCER – the woman who has cared for me, worked a full time job, paid all my hobbies and supported me to no end. My mother who has been my mother AND my father.

I’m so numbed to it now. He’s my Dad and I’ll love him forever but it’s easier to not see him than have to cope with his baggage.

He’s so obsessive, we’ve tried the whole call you once a week – but he’ll wait by the phone and doesn’t understand I’m 24 not 14 anymore.

My relationship with my father has definitely harmed my relationships with other people.

I love you Dad, it’s just really f****** hard to be the adult – from being 10 all the way till now. I’m not the adult, you’re my Dad, I’m the child.

I feel guilty everyday but I’m so glad I live in a different part of the country and you don’t know where I live and that don’t have my number.

I’m mostly sorry to be Granddad, the best man I ever knew, I’m sorry if I’ve let you down with my relationship with your son/my father.

I miss you.