I’ve always felt like there was something different about me. I felt it in the way I refused to play with barbie dolls, opting to play with toy guns and cars instead. How I’d rather wear a suit and shoes as opposed to gowns and heels. How making a dress made me feel so uncomfortable and naked. I guess when I was younger I just knew. In fact every time my mother asked me if I wanted to be a boy I so badly wanted to say yes, but instead I would cry and say no I don’t. Something inside me is afraid of being rejected. Another is feeling guilt and shame for feeling this way, I just know that this is wrong and unacceptable. In fact I’ve lived most of my life in denial forcing myself to believe that it is wrong; that this is all just in my head, and maybe just maybe if I don’t think about it this would all just go away. I prayed to God all the time to take this feeling away. I just wanted to be like everyone else comfortable in their body and gender. I’ve tried to make myself want girly things and just act like a normal girl, but it always feels forced and I never really succeeded. I think all the years of struggling with this is finally getting to me. I need help, but I can’t even admit it to myself because it would just make all this even more real. The thoughts are becoming more and more frequent to the point that I’m even writing this and calling the part of me that does want to be male “Keith”. Hoping that someone will see it and help me and at the same time no one will know and I can live the rest of my life as though I don’t want to be the opposite gender. Is this all in my head? Does it ever get better? Will this feeling ever go away? I just want it to stop.