I'm helping an old African American neighbor of 68 with her shopping because she has difficulty with walking. I have the hots for that bbw lady for a long

13 years

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I’m helping an old African American neighbor of 68 with her shopping because she has difficulty with walking.

I have the hots for that b** lady for a long time. I’m 31 now, Caucasian and single.
Now that I’m helping her I’ve made my move to her, and she didn’t refuse me.

For some time now she shares her bed with me. I’ve notified she likes it a lot because sometimes she call me more than once a week to come over.

The only thing, she told me, is she has to take care because her only daughter may not find out because she will be very angry at her when she finds out.

Is it bad what I’m doing?

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i want to end myself and i have suicidal thoughts thinking how should i die (i often think about hanging) and i imagine myself when i am doing the deed. i have fallen quite low and it is hard to stand up again. i have been having family issues (mainly with my dad) aside from my own personal problems. even if i vent this to someone, i know that their words are not enough. it is unfortunate for me that i got the miserable version of life haha… maybe if i was more pleasant, people would’ve treated me differently and my father wouldn’t even verbally abuse me. i have been like this for months now. some days i feel better but once triggered, everything comes back and i am miserable again. i really don’t want this life and the urge to end it is very strong. i have fallen out of my faith in God so to end this all, i think i should end the root of everything which is me because i realized that i might be the problem. that is all.