PLEASE GIVE INPUTS I am going to remain anonymous because it makes me most comfortable and I have never openly fully admitted this and I feel like I need to, even if my name isn’t out to the public, I am assuming this is going to be long so please buckle stay tuned lol… I am going to start with the fact that I am a female in my teens.. almost in adult hood. My childhood wasnt the greatest and I dealt with some trauma such as a traumatic death which resulted in the loss of my aunt, parents splitting and fighting, one of my brothers dealing with drugs, another having trauma happen to him, and on top of that having moved from about 6/7 years old to another state, then a few years later moving back to that state again (constant transitioning). I was always a bit chunky and overweight as I was growing up but never obese or anything(you will understand why I am mentioning this later). But, growing up my social life was okay but I was never running to hang with a million kids like I saw kids doing at around my age. I had a few close friends but only remember hanging with about 1-2 of them consistently, 2 of which are still in my life even though I moved away and one I have been friends with since I am younger. So I have never done any friends wrong or been a bad friend to anybody. Again, you will realize this later. So at around 9/10 I can’t remember what triggered it but I believe I remember having made a fake Facebook account for somebody for whatever reason out of boredom I believe and quite frankly I feel like it was before the major trauma because the loss of my aunt, trauma to my brother, moving out of state and etc all happened about a year or so after this if I can remember correctly. Anyway, I used these Facebooks a lot. I remember one of my friends immaturely did it too for a bit and then she stopped, I am sorry if I am all over the place. Anyways fast forward, I moved and went into middle school and transitioned into a big school after a majority of the trauma had occurred (loss of aunt, parents splitting, brothers trauma) and I felt emotionless and numb. I didn’t cry much over the loss of my aunt and I kept telling myself that maybe it was because I wasnt that close to her like everybody else was? But it still made no sense to feel no effect from this you know? I WANTED to feel effect from it. I didn’t like how I felt nothing towards everything. I brushed everything off and just felt numb. I used food as comfort and faking profiles as my escape, keep in mind none of been serious profiles or anything of this sort, but I had made one I believe in 2011 or 2012 which is when I moved and needed an outlet. Then, like I just said, when I moved I needed an outlet still. I went to fb and tumblr, somehow got a big following on the fake account on tumblr, and somebody found the guys photos I used and told him about it and everything kind of crashed. I can’t remember what I did but I believe I just vanished and found somebody else. Everything I have done at these points had never had a malicious intent behind it, and I had always wanted to stop even then and was so bored and felt like I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I remember the next persons photos I found to use is really when everything started and got serious. I believe it was about 5 yrs ago that I used this one guys photos so I was doing this for about 6/7 years total. Wow. That is scary as s*** to read. Also, now at this time, I was in middle school. I never had attendance problems in elementry which is when I started making these fake profiles, but in middle school it started slipping and not so much to keep up with the fake profiles but I just have bad adhd, I feel like I had/have seperation anxiety although never diagnosed, self concious as I kept gaining weight, and so on. In 7th grade I left mid year to be home schooled. And in 2013 I signed up at the gym for the first time to start losing weight (this story is unlike anything you have heard so just hold tight please it will all come together lol) and my mom tries to get me a trainer so I can try to get adjusted to the gym and get healthy and lose some weight. So I go, get assigned trainers who never showed up, and one day saw a young good looking trainer who I really wanted to try. He was the youngest trainer in the gym and I thought because he was young and good looking that we would kick well. So I get assigned him, he’s really shy and I am talkative and want somebody who will talk to me. Through some time we got closer and closer. He opened up, and I saw that his personality was so so so similar to mine. We both liked lifting, the same music taste and what not but I was still only like 13 in 2013 and since he was like 20 we didn’t really click yet. I thought he was super good looking and had a massive crush on him. even more time passed and I still was using the fake account, keep in mind, when I originally found the guys photos I was using, lets just call him Max and my trainer Kyle? I thought Max was gay so on facebook I had him in a relationship with a man. I did everything to make him legit along with having friends on his Facebook incase he needed confirmation. Anyway, time passes and I see my trainer Kyle had a girlfriend. I was sad and heartbroken just because I had a little stupid teenage crush. Time still passed and now is like 2014, I decide in my head for whatever stupid idea this was (god I dont know why!!!!) to put a fake account of my trainer in a relationship with my current account of max. The second I did it I knew it was a bad idea but I didn’t stop. Time kept passing and I kept going to the gym and training with my trainer Kyle. I had a hard time losing weight due to my binge eating disorder. But, I got super into the research of everything. I was becoming very smart, training lifts efficently, and getting very strong too. So again, I’m not putting too much emphasis on creating a fake of max because it will tie in anyway at the end so I hope you are still listening. Time kept passing and I guess kyle stumbled around a fake of him in 2015 or so, he asked me about it, and I had blamed a gay guy I knew who had been on gay dating apps at 14 years old under different photos so it wasnt too far fetched (who goes on that at 14 anyway lol then again who am I to talk..) anyway so my trainer believed me and asked me to ask him to stop. I panicked and in my head just wanted to end all of it for him. My trainer and I got so close, even closer in 2016. He was my biggest support system and my best friend. I love him like a brother. We trained constantly, he would pick me up sometimes, bump cool music together, share cool memes, laugh at stupid jokes, share lifting and nutrition research and so on. this was my peak of learning too. I was 15 learning so much and he was so impressed, so was everybody else. I was in Facebook fitness groups under my real page, and under both max and kyle together. Gosh I just realized how none of this probably makes sense s***. Anyway, to wrap it up, long story short, I faked accounts for a few years, including putting one in a relationship with a fake account of my trainer who was like my best friend. Now to truly wrap this up, I am not egotistical. I hate compliments, if anything my self esteem has always been low, but one thing I am confident in is my ability to help others with their nutrition and training even if I struggle with mine due to ED, and anybody who was in my life knew how smart I was. So on both my account, kyle, and max I always contributed useful information to fitness groups and helped others. More so on my real account and max. my trainer kyles account never had much use. Max was my main guy and when I made the account for my trainer he kind of existed until 2015 with no social media. Then when my trainer found out, I deleted his social media for awhile and made some b******* excuse on maxs’ page, and brought him back later. So anyway, last summer I was in a facebook group and really happy and motivated on day. I was going to make this post on mine but due to how young I was not even because I didn’t have a “good” physique yet, I knew people wouldnt take me as seriously, but I wanted some weight loss clients for a free trial run to coach and train to see my abilities for the future. so I took on a few for like 3 months. What had happened was these clients posted about their success in the group, so many flocked to me to do coaching and help them, and asked for pricing and I thought to myself, how could I not charge now? so I did. and I instantly was like s***. Because this created something like “theft” in a way, although they were receiving coaching, just werent paying the person they thought they were. so months go on and I made a lot of money. It is now January and I go away, had spoken to my trainer kyle on january 13th about some funny stuff and that I wanted to train wit him when I came home from a trip I was on. 2 days later I am boarding my plane and I get a message from some girl I know from a group and I guess some how somebody started piecing things together out of no where. keep in mind, I was stupid, when I made my trainers account, I never changed the name or last name either for the sole reason that I also never kept myself out of it because if I needed to confirm he was real and they knew I was real for having pics with him and he was also dating max, this confirms everybody is real, you get it? I had also ended up breaking them up in january because I had plans to eventually both and I also had two clients online under my traner. so I guess they looked up his name and saw another (I was friends with his real account, not his fake one) and they pieced everything together. and what ended up happening is everybody was finding out, including current clients I had, and also people were finding my trainer and messaging him, someone made a post in the fitness group I am in(100 thousand plus people are in it) and a girl from my gym who knows my trainer is in it and knows him and messaged him. I PANICKED. I was shaking and freaking. I didnt know what to do. I messaged him freaking out. I tried explaining and also back peddling by blaming my old gay friend that I previously spoke about, and got no response. I texted again (this was january 15) no response. I was crying, and panicking. 1) the account I was using for years was just ruined and destroyed which honestly bothered me for 5 minutes. I didnt even care about that. I cared so much more about my trainer and what he will say and how he will feel. I felt so so so s*****. All I wanted was to talk to him. He never responded. ever. again. Not to me texting him that day. nothing. They had said I believe that I faked him and used his photos to coach people? That was never my intention in the first place but just wow. I have cried so many times since this has ended. All because I want him back in my life. I miss my best friend. I love him so much. I reached out again February. No response. I’ve seen him a few times in. Person and he’s looked at me and not said anything. It hurts. So so bad. I don’t know what to do. One of my friends who knows him talked to him April and he(my trainer) said “don’t let her manipulate you’’ this HURT. To finally come to a wrap, I miss my trainer, and my best friend. Is it not screwed up that he NEVER responded? I feel like even to tell me he doesn’t want me in his life or something, he should have at least answered you know? Ugh. It hurts. The accounts are gone and deleted. I don’t have any clients or anything and I feel badly about it, along with the friendships I created but I don’t feel a massive guilt.. you know? I wish I felt more. With the clients, it was more so that I know I gave them everything I had, even if it wasn’t under me, that I cared so much and tried so hard and got them good results, that I didn’t feel as guilty. The friendships I feel as if I did waste others times which makes me feel s*****. So, last but not least, I was thinking about going up to my trainer one day, I do not feel like I can ever admit all of this in person to him especially after blaming it on another person so I don’t know what to do. But, what do you guys think? Why did I EVER started this in the first place?? Like why? Also, Do you think he should maybe talk to me again? I probably deserve nothing. Should I have at least gotten a response back that day? Also, I looked into sociopaths and so on. I don’t know what I am. I feel like I am not. I don’t match up to a lot. But you guys may tell me better than I can tell myself. Let me know. Sorry for how long it is.