I don't know how it happened but I have become useless, defeated, and helpless. I am a once successful happy adult man. I have let myself down in the past

14 years

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I don’t know how it happened but I have become useless, defeated, and helpless. I am a once successful happy adult man. I have let myself down in the past year. All I have tried to do is passionately pursue my dreams through hard work and I have failed and really don’t know where to go from here. I am very lucky that I have a kind loving wife, but I feel she deserves much more than me. I no longer engage in life with any sort of vigor or excitement and I find myself feeling sad and jealous of the success of my peers and friends. it is so pathetic and I don’t know how to get out of this depression.

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i want to end myself and i have suicidal thoughts thinking how should i die (i often think about hanging) and i imagine myself when i am doing the deed. i have fallen quite low and it is hard to stand up again. i have been having family issues (mainly with my dad) aside from my own personal problems. even if i vent this to someone, i know that their words are not enough. it is unfortunate for me that i got the miserable version of life haha… maybe if i was more pleasant, people would’ve treated me differently and my father wouldn’t even verbally abuse me. i have been like this for months now. some days i feel better but once triggered, everything comes back and i am miserable again. i really don’t want this life and the urge to end it is very strong. i have fallen out of my faith in God so to end this all, i think i should end the root of everything which is me because i realized that i might be the problem. that is all.