I am a psychiatric RN and I have come to believe I have an “acting in” type of borderline personality disorder. It is not severe and I am highly functioning by many standards but life is pretty horrible on my insides. It is hideously ironic that I am in charge of people with the same disorder as me. I feel guilt for getting sick and tired of them because I literally know what they’re going through. There’s part of me that thinks, “well I did it and I am a moron so put on your big girl p****** and do the work!” The clinical side of me knows that my case is very mild.

Long muse on BPD

With BPD you have no emotional skin. I have thickened mine a bit but I am easily hurt and tend to keep it inside because I fear conflicts. Symptoms are worse when my blood sugar gets low I act out verbally with curses and irritability. If I am not getting enough sleep or exercise or eating poorly or I forgot to take my meds or I am frustrated or stressing out about how I am too afraid to go out and about without a knife in my pocket … I get suicidal. A couple years ago I tried to hang myself but just didn’t have the guts to go through with it. I never told anyone about it, but I did eventually call a crisis line and get help finding services and talking to my doctor and doing some cognitive behavior therapies. I’ve also had a history of dissociation and psychotic symptoms. Very rare and triggered by extreme stress.

Now I work with borderlines who are offered help again and again and they reject it over and over and a I lose hope for them. I dislike them because they bring out my borderline tendencies. I am supposed to be stable but because I, like them, tend to be very sensitive to the emotions of others it is very difficult not to be pulled in by their intensity.

Some of them I wish would just kill themselves already. It’s even happened before that a borderline we saw in the psych ward killed herself and everyone was like, “yeah…she’s probably better off.” We sympathize with her because we know what tremendous pain she endured and now it’s over. I advocate for borderlines to have the option to die by physician assisted suicide if they still want to kill themselves after two years of dialectical behavior therapy in a structured facility. Wouldn’t that be fair?

I have been experiencing increased symptoms lately. Work has been intense to say the least. I have been having self harming thoughts for the first time in a couple of years. I envy borderlines who act out because while I am able to blend in with regular people better than most it takes a tremendous effort to present the bright and smiling face I wear about 70% of the time.

Had to get that off my chest.