Dear Jennifer,
When Bruce got home the night you dropped me off, I still hadn’t picked up the things Nora had chewed up and strewn across the living room floor. He walked in carrying a Little Caesar’s pizza because I wanted to surprise him with the $150 worth of groceries that you and your mom bought for me. I didn’t even thank him for the pizza, or say, “I missed you the two days I was gone!” instead I said, “Thanks for doing the dishes while I was gone.” Sarcastically, as you know, because he hadn’t cleaned anything around the house and even left some of the only food we had out on the counters to rot. I had sent Bruce a picture of Nora’s mess in the living room while he was still at work. He said, “How long have you been home and you haven’t picked up Nora’s mess?!” I got up coldly as he put the pizza in the kitchen and I started picking up all of the big pieces of trash and wood that the vacuum wouldn’t be able to handle. Then I plugged in the vacuum and started cleaning. We were still fighting as I was vacuuming. Then at one point I yelled, “I can’t hear you anymore!” he picked up my laptop and threatened to smash it on the ground. He threw it onto the coffee table instead and stormed toward me. He grabbed the vacuum out of my hands, lifted it above his head, and slammed it into the ground. It broke into pieces, but it was still on. He ran over where it was plugged in and tore out the extension outlet. I was frozen in fear and sobbing my eyes out, he turned to me and grabbed me by both arms as hard as he could. Then he slammed me into the wall behind me. To my left was the window and to my right was more wall. He punched the wall next to my head tree times as hard as he could while screaming at me. Then he walked to the left of me and hit the window so hard it broke out and smashed onto the concrete porch. I screamed, “What the f*** have you done?! It’s over for us! It has to be, nothing is EVER going to be the same again!” He was screaming, “No one ever gives me a break! You’re such a c***! You’re a b****! All you ever do is nag! I do everything!” I sobbed, “I’ve given you everything I’ve ever had! It’s because of ME that we have a roof over our heads, it’s because of MY $10,000 that we have all of the nice things we have, I gave up my friends because you didn’t like them, in the city I worked 12 hours a day six days a week for you! I’ve done everything for you! I’ve done everything you’ve ever wanted me to do!” He yelled “How much money did you spend on your stupid f****** makeup school?! Like I need the s***** broken couch you bought us!” He kept going, and he began squeezing my arms hard to my side again. He let me go and I fast walked to the bathroom as he was still yelling at me. I shut the door and sat against it so he couldn’t get in (it doesn’t have a lock), our 100 Lb shepard puppy Nora, was so scared she was hiding in the shower. I heard his footsteps coming down the hallway and started sobbing harder, he began pushing against the door with all of his might. I didn’t stand a chance against his strength. He used the door to push me into the wall.Then bent over me while I was still sitting on the ground and started screaming at me, “You DON’T walk away while I’m talking to you!” He grabbed my wrist hard and I twisted it out of his grip. I walked into the living room and sat on the couch. He followed and sat next to me. I cried, “I love you so much babe, but you have to go and it hurts me so badly.” He started saying that he hated me and it scared me because I swear to God, I could hear the sincerity in his voice. I shoved him and he shoved me back, then we started shoving each other faster and I started trying to hit him, but wasn’t landing very many swings. Then he grabbed my arms again and started squeezing me, I was screaming high pitched and LOUDLY “Let me go!” Over and over and over again. He kept saying “Uh-uh” then he lifted me like the vacuum and slammed me into the ground. It knocked the wind out of me.
“YOU F****** STAY DOWN THERE! Don’t you dare get up!”
I was crying and barley squeaked out, “Okay.”
My back and shoulders hurt so bad. He ran his hands through his hair and punched the wall again. “Why did you have to hit me?! You’re making me act like my f****** mom!” He yelled at me. I kept saying sorry over and over, but I stayed exactly where he had left me. He sat down in front of the vacuum pieces and began to reassemble it.
He said, “You don’t even know what happened today, the reason why I’m so mad.”
“what happened, babe?” I was trying to stop crying and catch my breath.
“I’m going to jail because of when the cops stopped me and took my weed back in December.”
I lost it again, “how do you know you’re going to jail?” I cried.
“My dad called, I have a warrant.”
“When do you have to go?”
With the same emotionless face he’d had the entire fight, he said, “I’m not going to jail for weed. I’m going to kill myself. I don’t want to live anymore anyway.” I started sobbing and crawled over to him, I kissed his knee repeatedly and begged him not to. He said that his mind was made up and he thought I’d be happier.I bawled that I’d blame myself for the rest of my life and I couldn’t live without him. He said that it was too bad because he was going to pack up his stuff in the morning and move back to his dad’s house. I started kissing his shoulders and begging him not to leave me. I cried, “Please don’t go, I need you.” Over and over like a chant. He took his phone out of his pocket and had three text messages from his dad. The first sentence I read was, “Son, you aren’t facing any jail time, it’s only your 2nd misdemeanor.” I looked at him incredulously and he swore that he had no idea. It turns out he only needed to take an 8 hour drug class. I asked, “Are you still leaving me?” He said no and I started apologizing for everything. I sobbed, “I had no idea. You thought you were going to jail. I’m supposed to be the one to make everything better and I just made everything way way worse. I’m such a b****. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry.” He asked if he hurt me and I said yes. He asked, “When I slammed you into the ground?” I started crying and said, “Yeah, and the wall.” He apologized and swore nothing like that would ever happen again and it was the first and last time he’d ever done that to a girl.
He said, “I’m sorry I hurt you,”
I cried, “It’s my fault, I hurt you too.”
He smiled, “No, you didn’t.”
“Well, I tried and I’m so so sorry.”
“I know.”
We laid on the couch and watched tv. He kissed me the way I’ve been wanting for him to kiss me for so long. My arms hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt, my shoulders hurt, and for some reason my ankle hurt too. But I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to tell you what actually happened. If I told you, you and your mom would be up here in a heart beat to take me back to the city. Your mom would take me screaming and kicking if she had to. I’m not ready to let him go yet. When I thought he was really going to leave, the pain was much worse than when he slammed me to the ground. We’ve been together over a year and this is is the first time anything like this has ever happened. I really believe that it’s going to be the only time. Things were just too much for him.
So now I’m sitting in the living room, typing a letter to you on an anonymous confession board. The cold November air is coming in through the broken living room window. The vacuum looks like if you turned it on it’d still work, but the pieces don’t fit the right way anymore, it’s as broken as I feel. There are holes in the walls and a dent in the wall next to the window that lines up with the back of my head. I have bruises on my arms and ankle. My back and shoulders are sore and I have a headache that won’t go away. But I won’t give up on him, I can’t. As pathetic as it makes me, I still love him more than I’ve ever loved anything.
I’m sorry I lied to you and I’m sorry I can’t be as strong as you think I am.
Love,
Anonymous
