It all started 5 years ago when I was 14( I know I was young. Please hear me out). I met this great guy who I instantly fell for. He was 21 at the time and everything about him seemed SO perfect. I kept talking to him for a while and we decided to go out for coffee. At 14 I gotta say I would always receive compliments on my looks and I admit, at the time it felt really good knowing I was so appreciated. So this guy was so mysterious and good-looking and intelligent- he had it all going for him. Obviously, he didn’t want to date me because I was way too young, but I did end up losing my virginity to him. The following year we kept talking and I had many other s***** partners, but all I could think of was him. I would always comfort myself and say it’s just a teenage crush, but being with him for the rest of my life seemed to be the only thing I wanted. A year after losing it to him, we started a serious relationship that he was still unsure of because he felt guilty for dating such a young girl. Some time went by ( around 6 months) and he was fooled by one of his friends into thinking I had cheated on him. This man who had been the most loving, sincere, faithful person, hit me badly, it was like he was possessed, the look he had in his eyes was scary. I couldn’t believe what was happening – was this the same man I was in a relationship with?

I decided to let it go and forgive him. The next few months he would always cry on my chest and resent himself for what he had done and promise he would never lash out like that again and that he deserves to ” rot in hell ” as he would put it. During our 4 year long relationship he never again landed his hand on me.

These four years were the most amazing years of my life. Everyone, and I mean everyone was jealous of what we had. I stood by him through everything, I helped him quit smoking pot, I helped him restore his relationship with his parents, I took him on vacations he didn’t have to pay a dime for, he even got a brand new car with my help. I did all these things because our connection was so deep on so many levels, being able to just sit at home and hug eachother for hours without saying a word felt like heaven to both of us. I loved him unconditionally. If he said he wanted to have s** with another woman – I would have said ” Go ahead! People have needs”. We were together all the time and it was amazing, s** was great, we were so good for eachother. None of us EVER cheated on eachother. I would have given my life for him, his needs were ALWAYS placed in front of mine and that made me genuinely happy, knowing that he is happy and well. I would lie for him, look after his stuff ( he had a habit of losing his keys, wallet, money, break stuff etc), anything for him.

Some of his flaws, I could never get over. Like how he would make a complete fool of himself whenever he got drunk. Or how he wouldn’t listen to what I needed when he was drunk. He’d wake me up at 4 a.m saying how he’s in front of my place and I should come down and sleep over, being aware of the fact that I wouldn’t do that out of respect for my parents. If I said no, he’d get upset and say I don’t care, and in the morning he’d apologize and we’d get over it. Also, I couldn’t get over the fact that he got himself into SO much trouble because of his constant drinking and driving.

I couldn’t get over the fact that I always felt untrusted by him. This might not have been true, but that’s how I felt. Whenever he wanted to, he could and would emotionally blackmail me. This was so toxic for me, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I couldn’t get over the fact that I would massage his entire body, head to toe, every.single.morning and he just took it for granted.

I couldn’t stand his parents. So annoying. Both of them. Him a macho and a cheater, she – a whiny b**** who’d always complain about EVERYFUCKINGTHING.

I couldn’t stand how he NEVER admitted to his wrongs. I would say I’m sorry for everything and still he would behave upset for a little while.

This year, end of senior year in highschool, I started falling in love with a guy from my class right before prom. This scared the hell out of me. My boyfriend had not been feeling well and wouldn’t listen to me when I told him to go to therapy because I knew that what he had ( insomnia ) was not an illness to be treated with meds since it was caused by his sudden weed withdrawal. Because of being sleep deprivated, he started getting tachycardia too. Because of the heart meds, his libido dropped 100%. No s** at all for us. He wouldn’t even let me give him head.

This guy I started falling in love with was so amazing to me. We had never really talked when we were in highschool since I had eyes for no one else besides my boyfriend, but I always found him as a very attractive guy.

Because my relationship was slowly falling apart with neither of us doing anything about it, I caved in to this “new” guy and slept with him. It felt like the best thing that I had ever done in my entire life, no one had ever made me feel like he did, it was simply amazing in so many ways. He made me completely forget about my boyfriend.

The next day I felt incredibly guilty about what I had done, I didn’t even want to meet my boyfriend because I couldn’t even look him in the eye. So, 2 days after having cheated on him, I decided to break up with him. Hardest thing I ever had to do. We met up, he bought me roses, and we cried in eachother’s arms for 2 hours. He drove me home, kissed me goodbye and that was it. I never told him about me cheating on him because I didn’t want to hurt him even more.

The next few months I went on with my new relationship, so in love and all that and happy that I had finally made a good call in my life. Unfortunately, with this new guy I couldn’t be at all times as I was used to. We wouldn’t sleep over and it felt so weird for me. I started missing my man, his kiss, the words he’d say to me, the way we’d be so goofy around eachother and how he’d hold me at night. I was home alone for about two weeks and at night I would scream in pain from missing him so badly. I would cry my eyes out and drink myself to sleep. I couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him. We met up and his scent just killed me… when he walked through the door and I looked him in the eye…my heart stopped beating, my hands were shaking while I was smoking my cigarette and my eyes were watering. He asked why I was trembling like that. I couldn’t say a word to that.

We started seeing eachother everyday after that, just keeping it casual and friendly, until one night I wanted him so badly and I asked if I could sleep over. He said yes. We ended up having s** and after that, me crying for hours and hours like a baby. I kept lying to my boyfriend and was seeing my ex every night for a month, I was so filled with guilt and hated myself for it, but just couldn’t stop. I had missed feeling at home so badly and I didn’t want to lose that feeling again.

Eventually, we stopped seeing eachother of talking to eachother for a month, until two nights ago when I caved in AGAIN and texted him. Same story, went by his place, cried my heart out telling him how badly I want to love again but simply cannot, slept with him for two nights. Tonight I am alone at home and I wanted to share my story because otherwise I would probably call him and end up at his place again. While I was typing this, he called me, he was drunk and driving and wanted to come pick me up, but I said no and asked him to call me when he gets home.

He’s been sleeping around with other girls since we broke up, so now he probably just called one of them to go have s**, since I called to check on him and he was still out and said he’d call in a little while.

I want to stop. See, this thing he just did, calling me drunk like that, reminded me of why I broke up with him in the first place. It made me sick to my stomach hearing him like that.

I hate myself for cheating on my actual boyfriend. He is such a great guy and doesn’t deserve someone like me. He should be with someone who genuinely cares and loves him, like I did my ex. I want to be like this for him too, but I just don’t think I can anymore. I shouldn’t have gotten into a serious relationship so soon after my ex, but I had no idea that things would turn out like this. I fear that my power to love was all spent on my ex and that I will never love again. I fear I have cared so much for him that I won’t be able to care anymore and put someone else’s needs in front of mine. I fear I have become a heartless b****. I fear only my ex could bring back the love I had in my soul. It feels like I left my heart with him when I left him, it feels like strings pulling me back to him. I hate how I cry every night. I can’t even tell him I don’t wanna see him anymore because I know he’ll say I’m a b**** for being like that. Is he right? I don’t know.

I want to love my actual boyfriend, I want to forget about my ex but my entire body HURTS only when I imagine having lost something so rare and beautiful.

Am I an awful person? Do I deserve to hurt like this? What has this man done to me that I can’t get him out of my head and heart?

I hate myself.

I’m sorry for the long post. Thank you if you read all of it.