I finally unblocked my ex from Facebook. He hurt me bad. I thought by blocking him I could distant myself and forget about him. I wanted to stop myself from stalking and constantly looking at his updates and how his life changed without me in it. Oh how easy he made it look to delete every post and picture from his timeline and replace it with someone else. I thought if he saw that I hindered him from seeing my life change before his eyes on a computer screen, he would feel hurt. Just as he hurt me. (Like putting my name under ‘Skank’ in his phone and sending the screenshot to me as a form of his ‘disdain’.) But I realized I was being immature like him. If he didn’t realize it now he was never going to. And I had him blocked for over a year until today. Besides I can’t truly distance myself from him. We have a child together. Whose life he decided he did not want to be apart of. I suppose for the best.
(My heart still pounds when I see his name. I feel anxious as if he’s watching me from the streets or if a stranger looks like him. I still stupidly care about someone who walked away and gave a huge “Fuck you” to my face. I need to get over him, but I keep dwelling on the pain. I wish I could meet someone new. But I am not emotionally ready yet. I think.)
We will forever be connected, share a bond through this child no matter how far he moves, emails go ignored and blocks of contact. I opened the point of contact today. He still has me blocked as a form of retaliation.
I saw that an old acquaintance deactivated her account. It inspired me. After all the sleepless nights waiting for him to call or message and ask how’s the baby. The hours scrolling and scrolling, watching mutual friends enjoy their lives and tagging him in posts. I realized I had to let this go for my own sanity. To put my anger to rest, even temporarily. No big deal since no one really messages me and I only use Facebook for gossip news or speak with distant cousins every few weeks. So I deactivated my account too. And when I’m ready to face the world again, I’ll reactivate it. And if he decides to speak-which he probably won’t. I will be ready. But for now I think I have to take some much needed time with my child and myself
