• 6 years ago
  • 705 Views

These are all the pains that I have in my life right now (I’m 16).
The girl I love hates me because I told her I liked her. She hasn’t spoken to me since I did, and I feel like I ruined what could’ve at least been a nice friendship with her, because I told her I had feelings for her. Also she might want to go out with one of my best friends.
Another girl I love is not interested in me and also started going out with another one of my best friends (again), days after I told her I liked her.
I can’t trust any of my friends with anything I tell them because of the many times I told one of them something personal and they just tell everyone. Also I’m worried they’ll just make fun of me for what I tell them, it’s happened many times before.
I don’t know if I actually have any real friends. I always feel like I’m not wanted around them, and I’m sure some of them want me out of the group.
Everything I try to do never works out the way it’s supposed to. For example, I built myself a computer after months of saving up and waiting, hoping to play with my “friends” and not get left out, however, it doesn’t even run that well and crashes almost every day. I don’t even use it anymore because of how bad it is in comparison to theirs.
Also a boy I hate is starting to become better friends with my friends than me. They seem to like him a lot, but I hate him because he’s mean to me, and always talks about dirty stuff that he finds funny. He disgusts me to be honest, but everyone seems to like him for some reason. He actually was there when I told the second girl I liked how I felt about her. He knew she wasn’t interested in me, but was interested in my best friend, however he still basically begged me to tell her how I felt. It was only after I did, that he told me she wasn’t interested in me.
Someone I know, who is friends with some of my friends, lied about many really serious things, like accidentally killing someone, getting a girl pregnant and donating a huge amount of money to a charity. Everyone knows he’s lying, and they used to talk about it when he wasn’t there, but now nobody seems to actually care and nothing has been said about it to him. It feels like everyone has just forgotten it even happened.
I no longer have any confidence in myself when it comes to being a goalkeeper in football or just in general to be honest. In pe I keep getting embarrassed by other players in front of everyone when they score amazing goals in to me. They just show off now because they know I can’t save it. I don’t even want to play football anymore but I have no choice. Also I have no confidence in myself in general because I’ve been rejected by every girl I’ve ever told that I liked them, and also I’m sure nobody likes me in that way. I feel like I’m the one nobody cares about and forgets about. I feel like I’m not wanted by anyone.
My cat died recently. I loved him. We got him and his brother soon after we moved to Scotland but a while after (about a year or two) his brother had to get put down. That was also around the time my gran died, and then 8 weeks later my grandad died too. Now that Fred is gone (my cat) I really miss him, and I am really depressed that he’s gone. It was the right thing to do as he had a lot of illnesses, but I still wish he was still here.
I hate my life. I have considered suicide but I just can’t do it. One of the reasons I can’t do it is because I can’t do that to my family. It would be devastating for them and that would be a horrible thing for me to do to them. Also I don’t want to be called selfish or a coward for taking my own life. If I keep going maybe it will get better. Also I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt myself like that, but also I’m scared of what happens next. I don’t want to end my life, but I also do.
I really want to talk to someone about this, that’s why I wrote this, but I don’t think they’ll understand what I’m going through. I don’t know if I’m going through depression, I can’t diagnose myself. I just think I am, and have been for about two years. I feel like if I tell someone, it won’t make sense to them, and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.
I just can’t wait until I leave school and go onto a better life (hopefully). These last few years have been the worst of my life, and in my opinion it can only get better, because if it doesn’t I don’t know what I’ll do.

All Comments

  • don`t worry too much now. Im 20 now been going trough the same thing for 5 years! you know bad friends,lots of broken hearts, so much confusion, (in my case) drugs, etc. etc. etc. i could go on and on and on through how much bullshit i’ve been, but thats not the point! i read your post and feel like i understand you somehow. don’t give up on your football (soccer?) carrier, don’t worry about that douchebag making those disgusting jokes, if you lace self esteem connext to your family, if your friends seem to pull you down and make you feel bad, they are not friends! they’re disgutsing insects feeding of your insecurity and depression! dont let them decide the direction of your life! i suffered a lot and im about to go see a therapist about it! if you feel very very weak and helpless, dont be shy to ask your family about help or even if they can help you find a therapist! its not weak if you are getting a little help, its a sign that you are finally ready to change the way your life choices influence your behavior
    Good Luck, and get well soon!

    Anonymous February 19, 2018 10:43 pm Reply
    • Thank you so much this means a lot to me

      Anonymous February 20, 2018 1:13 am Reply
  • I’m sorry if u never need a friend I’m here

    Anonymous February 22, 2018 5:15 am Reply

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