Sometimes I feel like I’m a burden on my mum and my friends. I feel that they would be better off without me. I never thought I’d actually tell anyone this how I really feel after everything that has happened. Halfway through 2017 I didn’t go to school for two months. I felt like what was the point in going when I’ll just disappoint my mum and my teachers anyways. I really try the best I can with my work but I know I’ll never be as good or as smart as my brother.
I feel it my fault for why my mum sometimes cries herself to sleep at night. She thinks i dint kniw, but i hear her. She feels it’s her fault for why I was raped. She even told me it’s her fault because she let me go with him. But it’s not her fault, she didn’t know what her father was going to do to me. The worst thing is, mum was so happy to finally have one of her parents she could talk to. But she is depressed again. Her partner is an a****** who yells at her all the time. He hates me for no reason and calls me a b**** alot when mum is in another room.
I knew growing up that me or one of my friends would be attacked but I never thought it would be me. My father was a bad man, he touched me when I was 5 years old, I didn’t tell mum until the age of 11 when we finally moved away from my hometown.
The thing I’ll never understand it no matter how much I screamed or yelled at him to get off or for help, no one came to save me. But the thing that made me lose all faith is that the man who lives across the road of where I was raped came out the door when we got in the car so he could take me home. I feel like he should of been able to hear me but didn’t he didn’t care.
Mum and her partner and my little sister went out today. We keep all our pills on top of the fridge in a container. I was really tempted to swallow a bunch of them and get away from this cruel world.
There are only 4 things that keep me from ending it all,my mum, my little sister, my friends and my boyfriend Nick.
Nick knows about everything that’s happened and he is really sweet making sure I’m ok and helps support me and I love him so much for that.
I’m only 16 years old but I’m really afraid if I’ll even get to the age of 20 years old. Larry (my grandfather/r*****) might get put or might get one of his friends to do something to me or I might do something to myself. I don’t know what the future holds but I hope it’s better then this.
