I am one fucked up individual. I have grown up without no one really there for me, so I created a cast of people in my life, in a “group” outside of school. One day, they slipped out of my mouth. And I didn’t feel bad about it. I told everyone, claiming they were real. I slowly slipped away into a false sense of security believing they were real. It wasn’t until friends wanted to meet these people that I realized they weren’t real. I tried to kill myself. I cut myself. I tried to run away. I told no one. I’m scared shitless. I faked two of their deaths. I’m going to hell, straight to hell. I’m an awful person. I don’t speak about any of them anymore. People ask, I say it’s too hard to talk about because it is. I ruined the real relationships I had started with the fake ones. I’m going to lose them, be all alone, and when I try to slip back into a false sense of security once more, the false ones I cared for the most are dead. I’m mentally ill, I know it. I know it. I’m fucked up. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault. If you’re religious, please… am I going to hell? Am I sinning? I think I’m a sinner. I try my hardest not to be. I’m in a school group that helps with charities, I put others before myself, I always help the homeless, and I make sure to be there for my friends. Everyone says I’m a good, kind, caring person… but they don’t know I’m a liar. I’m an awful, stupid, worthless liar. Would they still love and accept me… if they knew who I really was? I’m going to kill myself, most likely. I’m an awful person, absolutely awful. No one brings it up anymore, any of the people, but I can’t put it away. I still lied. If I don’t kill myself, I’m going to do whatever I can so other people can live a wonderfully happy life, because it’s the least I could do for a world that’s better off without me. Please help me. Please. Am I a sinner? Will I be going to hell? Is this fixable? Am I worth it or should I end myself now? Please help me.
For reference I’m a 17 year old high schooler, female, living in the US. If you know who I am, I guess you could call me out. I deserve it. Anything bad that happens to me now, I deserve it.