• 7 months ago
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I am one fucked up individual. I have grown up without no one really there for me, so I created a cast of people in my life, in a “group” outside of school. One day, they slipped out of my mouth. And I didn’t feel bad about it. I told everyone, claiming they were real. I slowly slipped away into a false sense of security believing they were real. It wasn’t until friends wanted to meet these people that I realized they weren’t real. I tried to kill myself. I cut myself. I tried to run away. I told no one. I’m scared shitless. I faked two of their deaths. I’m going to hell, straight to hell. I’m an awful person. I don’t speak about any of them anymore. People ask, I say it’s too hard to talk about because it is. I ruined the real relationships I had started with the fake ones. I’m going to lose them, be all alone, and when I try to slip back into a false sense of security once more, the false ones I cared for the most are dead. I’m mentally ill, I know it. I know it. I’m fucked up. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault. If you’re religious, please… am I going to hell? Am I sinning? I think I’m a sinner. I try my hardest not to be. I’m in a school group that helps with charities, I put others before myself, I always help the homeless, and I make sure to be there for my friends. Everyone says I’m a good, kind, caring person… but they don’t know I’m a liar. I’m an awful, stupid, worthless liar. Would they still love and accept me… if they knew who I really was? I’m going to kill myself, most likely. I’m an awful person, absolutely awful. No one brings it up anymore, any of the people, but I can’t put it away. I still lied. If I don’t kill myself, I’m going to do whatever I can so other people can live a wonderfully happy life, because it’s the least I could do for a world that’s better off without me. Please help me. Please. Am I a sinner? Will I be going to hell? Is this fixable? Am I worth it or should I end myself now? Please help me.

For reference I’m a 17 year old high schooler, female, living in the US. If you know who I am, I guess you could call me out. I deserve it. Anything bad that happens to me now, I deserve it.

All Comments

  • PLEASE u did nothing wrong, you created them for security for love, you dont even need justification. you have a wonderful mind. <3. dont feel weird and dont feel like a liar. you have imagination. it doesnt matter. dont kill yourself just for this.

    Anonymous January 6, 2018 11:07 am Reply
  • I think I recognize you. Is that you Gaby?

    Anonymous January 8, 2018 12:16 am Reply
  • I will be your friend.

    Anonymous January 8, 2018 12:46 am Reply
  • r u gaby???

    Anonymous January 8, 2018 1:35 am Reply
  • Do the hardest thing you can do. LIVE. If you think killing yourself is the answer then you’re just taking the easy way out. You’ll end up guilt tripping those ppl who cared for you. If you think you’ve done something wrong, repent. Do better. LIVE.

    Anonymous January 8, 2018 2:05 am Reply
  • People lie becaus they are afraid of the consequences when telling the truth. It does not mean you are a bad person, it means you are an insecure person. The only thing that is causing you harm is your own insecurity. Stop thinking about how other people might judge you, and start thinking about what you think of yourself. Think about the things that you are proud of, be happy with them. Think about the things that you feel bad about, change them.

    As for the lies, you can’t change the fact that you lied. You can change the fact that people don’t know the truth, but more importantly, that you feel bad about lying. Ask yourself this: is it bad of you that you were insecure? Is it bad that you tried to relieve your insecurity?
    If you don’t want to do something like this again, don’t. That is enough. You can explain to your friends what you did and why if you think that the people around you are able to understand. If you think they can’t see it from your perspective, then they are not ready for you to tell them, and you don’t have to.

    From your confession I can see that you’re a pleasant person. I hope you’ll be able to see that as well. Just stop being afraid of what others might think of you, and start being honest about what you think of yourself. Never call yourself “bad”, that’s a meaningless and emotionally charged label. Just embrace what you like about yourself, and change what you don’t like about yourself.

    Anonymous January 9, 2018 5:59 pm Reply

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