This is going to sound extremely fucked up and it is. I feel so guilty, I constantly have the urge to throw up and it makes me suicidal.
At the very start of this year (Early January), My now ex-boyfriend but then boyfriend at the time and I were going through a rough patch. I didn’t trust him and have had serious trust issues both rational and irrational with him for the duration of relationship (1 year) so I tested him to see if while I was away he’d get with other girls. He didn’t want to but I kept pestering him to, threatening to break-up with him if he didn’t. He didn’t have a phone at the time so I could hardly contact him, anyway I changed my mind and didn’t want him to get with anyone so I tried calling and messaging him until 4 am that morning, worried sick. I felt extremely sick the following morning and had a brief thought “Oh I may be pregnant” and stressed some more. Turns out it was just my period and I was not pregnant. Anyway, the next day or a couple days later, he went to about 2/3 parties and just before the last party (I asked him if he was going out again, which he said he was) I asked with who (not wanting him to go) and he said he was going with some friends and 2 girls who he knew were really nasty towards me for years throughout high school, caused a lot of drama and just really messy and bitchy.(These social issues caused me to move countries, schools and created unrest within my family and my mental wellbeing – obviously, that is no one’s fault but I didn’t handle it well.) This had initially got me so upset and angry I lost it in the car emotionally, I told him if he went to that party with those girls that it would be the ultimate betrayal. I then blocked him not wanting to see his response because I was so upset he’d even think that was okay. (He was my best friend and was very aware of the issues I had faced with these girls) anyway, that night he got with a girl who I was friendly with from my old school, went skinny dipping with her and yeah rocked up to the party with those two girls. The following evening, I unblocked him and messaged him to talk things through, to which he told me he didn’t want to do this anymore and that it’s best that our relationship comes to an end – I should have left things there but I didn’t. I took a shameful route instead. I decided to ask if he had gotten with someone, to which he admitted to doing so and explained the situation. My heart shattered and I was a mess. I spent about 3-4 hours crying in the late evening/early morning, I had an unfinished glass of alcohol and half a sleeping pill to try to calm me down. Prior to this, I was desperate to hold on and asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits which he said he’d love to be FWB (this made me feel even worse and more betrayed) I eventually was able to go to sleep but the following morning I made the worst decision of my life. In sheer desperation, I made a massive detailed lie as to how I was pregnant and overdosed in the shower to have an abortion. I lied about burying the baby in a box. There was never a baby and although I was distraught, I exaggerated the whole situation. I didn’t sleep properly or eat properly following this blow-up, I then saw him after a couple of days once I got back and continued the lie. Heart-broken and cowardly I held onto this lie and used it to manipulate and torment him for a matter of months to make up for the hurt I felt after that night. I feel so disgusted and guilty I can’t put it into words. I fear I may go to hell or become infertile as karma. (I love kids so much and I don’t know what I would do with my life if I couldn’t conceive) What I have done is evil and horrific. I hurt him deeply with my fake news and carried it on. Part of me even started to believe my own lie. I haven’t told anyone yet and still can’t believe I have done this. We got into a massive argument and after I had manipulated and provoked him for hours on end he snapped and punched me in the mouth. How do I tell him? Should I tell him? (we’ve been broken up for a couple of months now and he’s rebounded and all – I’m scared to cause strife and I don’t want other people finding out) I am so stuck on what to do and I can’t live with this haunting me. Someone help me, please.
