I just tried to purge for the first time. I have a physical tomorrow- and those always freak me out. My parents get to see what I weigh. The past few weeks I’ve been trying to lose any kind of weight (water weight, actual weight, literally any kind I don’t care) so my number as it will appear to my parents will be smaller than it actually is. This night I ate dinner and I don’t know. I went down to my room, turned on the shower, turned on the sink, and turned on some music. All as loud as they could go. I stuck my fingers down my throats and I tried. I tried for minutes. I gagged, I wretched and nothing came up. It felt so close. When it was all over I was deeply dissapointed in myself that I couldn’t follow through with it. I gagged up some mucus, that’s about it. I bet if I continued longer I could have gotten it to work. But I got scared and backed off. The thing is I’ve wanted to do this for years but I’ve been too scared. And I find myself unconsciously thinking “next time I’ll do this” like there will be a last time. I think I opened up Pandora’s box and that I’m about to destroy myself. It’s been building and I ripped off the bandaid and now it looks like nothing is stoping this from becoming something horrible
