I’m an asexual girl, in a relationship with a hetero guy.

I’m deeply in love with him, but It’s my secret that I’m asexual and I still have s** with him every night to please him. This feels so horrible to me. I love him so much, but having s** feels like I’m being raped, while having to pretend to enjoy it. And because it’s a person who loves me and would never hurt me, It all feels so fucked up. I sometimes can’t help but tear up, but try to hide it. Sometimes I pretend I have to go to the bathroom, just to let it out and stop crying.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so torn. I love him so much, and I don’t know how I’d ever be able to tell him that I don’t like s**. I like touch, cuddles, warmness and love. I feel very much in love with him. My body just doesn’t respond to s**. I’ve never wanted it. But I have tried every single thing I could think of to make it work. Therapy, experimenting with thoughts of other sexes, but I like nothing. S** is just not for me. I don’t even feel like doing it on my own. The world has always seemed weird to me, when people suddenly wants to go all crazy on each other. When I’m with my boyfriend, I try to act like I’ve seen people on tv act, during i**********. I can’t imagine how good they must be feeling, and I wish I was part of the rest of the society. I just want to be normal and function, but living like this everyday is really breaking me down.
And if I tell him I’m asexual, he’ll know I’ve been pretending this whole time. I couldn’t do that.
Not sure anyone will ever read this. I just googled somewhere to confess, assuming it must help with the burden.
If somebody is reading this, I assume you must be here because you have a burden on your own. I hope yours will sort, as well as mine.
C