I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I feel like I’ve dealt with just about all I can handle and I’m too tired to hold it back any longer. All the tears that I have held back are flowing down my face. All the tears of what I’ve lost and what I will lose. Tears of sadness, the one emotion I am afraid to show. All of my friends have seen me happy, excited, maybe even a bit mad, but they never see me sad. They hate to see me as anything but happy. They have labelled me as the happy one and all I can think about is how wrong they are. The things I have never told anyone and will probably never tell anyone can’t let me be truly happy, they are the tears that always just behind the surface. I dwell on the past and the future too much, I carry a heavy burden with me wherever I go. I’ve thought about telling my friends my true feelings but I’m too scared. I don’t even talk about it with my family. I’m scared to be vulnerable, to be seen as weak, scared that they won’t like what they hear and will leave me. Why would they want a burden like me? A ticking time bomb. There’s never the time anyway. No private time set aside to talk. They probably wouldn’t listen anyway, everyone’s so obsessed with themselves, they only care about what’s going on with them. I feel like I’m always listening, never getting to talk and voice my opinion. I know lots of things about my friends that they don’t know about me. Sometimes I feel like I need a psychiatrist. They get paid to listen to people’s problems, that’s what I need, someone who will listen. It seems like the people I don’t want to leave end up leaving and the people I do want to leave end up sticking around. It’s really quite frustrating. I mean how can you stop thinking of someone when you see them everyday. And I never end up getting closure with the people who left without saying goodbye. I’m just frustrated with people. It seems like people never show me the respect I deserve when all I do is try to please them. I’m insecure about my friendships. I need love and nurturing and for people to tell me I’m special and appreciated, but I rarely get that. Sometimes I feel like I could be cast to the side at any moment. And if I left noone would notice or care. I feel invisible sometimes, boring, bland, unnoticeable. What’s the point of living a life where people would forget you if you weren’t right in front of them. That’s why I crave the spotlight, why I like being the centre of attention, why I love doing anything that makes me stand out from the crowd. I find it funny how the people who you loved and never bothered you could find ways to piss you off so quickly.