I just started college a few weeks ago and things aren’t running smoothly. I’ve been thinking a lot and my mind is literally going insane. So insane that I can’t study. There are a few things that keep blocking me from moving on. I was held back from getting my permit till last year when I was 17.

I’m 18 now and I still have my permit and I only recently started driving. Not having a car is pitiful and tedious. I commute from my university so it makes it even more difficult that I need my dad to ride beside me, which leaves me no room for comfort.

I came off with about $470 for books so I bought the ones I needed. When I went to get the books, I was $23 short. And later on now I still don’t have all the materials I need for my computer class. I’ve already failed the first test with a 53/100 with no book! It’s destroying my self-image. And the book costs a bout $180 for an online version.

Before about the same time I’ve dropped my phone while eating a poptart on campus and it completely shattered the bottom half, so the LCD doesn’t work on where it’s cracked. Then, a week or so later, I went off to get a new phone and my mom had to spend $150. And then I drop that one too 3 days later! But this time the top half is shattered. It’s still usable but I can’t stand my luck.

I’ve always been in bad luck. During that weekend, I actually prayed for things to get better in the month of SEPTEMBER because my eye was twitching. My brother fell off a ledge and busted his chin open. I cracked my phone. School is great, but my classes are not on point. I’m completely failing my English online course. I can’t or really don’t know if I can drop the class, I’m already too late. I’m so behind on everything!!!

I can go on forever and ever about how stressful things are. My family barely knows how stressed I am. I don’t even have money for food on campus. No matter how hard I try, things get worse and worse and worse. I don’t want to leave my mother in debt. She’s already gone to the casino 3 times this month and lost money. My brother’s car keys won’t work so he has to use “my soon to be car”. And that car’s trash.

I’ve been seriously thinking about committing suicide. I feel like even my friends don’t care. I don’t even know if my family would mourn for me or despise the fact that I caused so much trouble. I’m already losing communication with my family… I think I am depressed, I don’t even care what symptoms depression has but, I don’t want to live through this anymore. I’m a failure at it’s finest. What a legit FML moment..

I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want to wait for things to get even worse. I love my family. But, I don’t want them to hate me after I screw up. I could see my life falling into the hands of bad luck. I wish i could die happy. My heart hurts. It hurts so very much.