I can never get myself to focus on my studies. I stay up incredibly late every night and get nothing done. I often get only 4-5 hours of sleep. I can’t bring myself to just focus and actually do something productive for once. Even writing this is really just procrastinating and prolonging my frustration and pain. I want so badly to be able to finish all my work so I don’t have it looming over me. I was kicked out of a class this summer because I didn’t write an essay.

I’m only 18. I just graduated from high school last Spring and I feel like there are so many expectations I have to live up to. I need to get an education, a well paying job…I’m not sure what I want my major to be and I have no idea what I’ll do as a career after university. I want to be an author; I’d love to write music as well. That’s not realistic though, I know.

Right now I’m going to a community college. I was going to go to a state university but my admission was revoked because I forgot to check two e-mails which told me I had to take a math placement test. I didn’t see the e-mails, didn’t take the test…it still upsets me but I guess I’m saving money now.

I feel as though the future I yearn for is so close to my grasp, and yet I can’t reach it…because I’m holding my own arm back. When I transfer to a university after I’m done with community college, I could major in some sort of linguistic field and get a job where I’m working with different languages and cultures, which fascinate me just as much as the writing and the music. I could always write and compose on the side.

I just feel like I have so much potential and that I’m wasting myself… but I just can’t stop. It’s so hard to just stop messing around, to stop wasting time and just go forward at full speed. I want to move forward. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I want to live, to really live.