I’m 23 years old. I’m a virgin. This could be for 2 reasons.
1) I have psychological scars due to being molested as a child. By more than one person. Across a span of time. There were 3 guys, different times, different places, different degrees. I was almost raped once. I was 7. It’s lucky that someone walked in just as he was about to penetrate me. He’d made me s*** his d*** before. A 7 year old should not know what s**** tastes like. I was lucky, I didn’t get raped, didn’t become another statistic. But for a number of years, and to some extent till this day, I think I was …. definitely not asking for it but I remember being s***** curious as a child. And I don’t know whether it was the chicken or the egg. I remember asking this man to show me how grown ups kiss or how grown ups ‘do it’ (I had seen him ‘doing it’ with my caretaker, in my parents bedroom, no less. And I had seen, or rather heard my own parents doing it, so I had a vague idea that ‘it’ was something, that adults did). And I’ve been living with that guilt towards myself for years.
The worst part is, I have flashes of those memories, of being fondled as an 11 year old who was barely begining to sprout breasts, of having a large, adult male rubbing his d*** against my 14 year old behind and c****** in him pants. And sometimes they even pop up when I’m trying to fantasize while I’m wanking. Sometimes I just let them pass, but sometimes it feels like I’m m*********** TO them. When I was a teenager I’d had this disgusting, sickening thought (when everything was all about losing your virginity, because everyone was doing it or doing something atleast) that ‘maybe I should have let him f*** me when I was 14’. It made me feel… I can’t even figure out words, like I was the most worthless, disgusting, sick in the head person who ever lived. And one half of me keeps trying to tell myself that this was something that was done to me and it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault if I think this because it’s obviously something that has fucked up my head. But the other half is still disgusted.
2) The other reason could be – that I’m just scared of intimacy and emotionally distant, and scared, or awkward. Which is all true. But it probably doesn’t exist in a vaccuum. I’ve never even really kissed a guy, barring my drunk friend who tried to kiss me once. I’ve made out with girls (yeah, I’m bisexual, btw, have known this since I was about 12), but those are all friends, not girls I actually had a crush on, or girls that were actually interested in me (I was too shy/awkward to make a move on girls who had crushes on me, and I went to an all girl’s college, so there were a few). I’m attracted to people, even fleetingly all the time, but I don’t really develop feelings for people very easily. And when I do, it doesn’t start with a s***** thing, in fact, I can’t really think about someone I have feelings for in a s***** way. By which I mean, I can’t imagine having s** with them, it only goes as far as making out, in my head and then the scene cuts to an after-s** cuddling scene. And I’m not a prude, I’m the one who makes the most dirty jokes, flirts jokingly with all my girl friends, checks out people all over the place, but I can’t really do anything with people I like.
With those that I’ve had a mutual liking relationship with, it’s been frustratingly chaste. It’s either that they’re too intimidated by me, or they’re too far away, or they lose interest or are not able to make a move. And I am totally incapable of making a move.
So hence, here I am. A 23 year old virgin, an oddity in our times, feeling often out of place in my body, particularly since what we see in h******* p*** is all these big titted, hairless – holes. They’re not women, they’re parodies of women, just worth the price of their orifices. And that’s what I grew up on. I wanked a lot, since I was about 8 or 9, I’ve always known how to get myself off, but sometimes the kind of p*** I watch makes me feel sick but still compelled by my libido to just get off anyway. Like gangbangs, or ‘daddy’ p*** (though I have no such daddy issues) or b***, some of it is sick, like gangbangs where the girl is pretending she doesn’t want it (funny, since she’s a girl who doesn’t really want it but is getting paid to pretend to be a girl who wants it pretending to be a girl who doesn’t want it).
Ok, keeping my feminist issues with the p*** industry aside, I wonder if I can ever go on to have a healthy, happy relationship and tell someone what I really think and feel and tell them all of this fucked up s*** and talk to them about music and all the stuff that really matters to me and just be completely myself, even more than I am with my friends. I just need someone to help me unravel myself, and prove me wrong about myself.