I’ve been craving death since I was old enough to understand what it was, but I can never give myself what I want because I can’t do that to my family. I hate everything about myself and pretty much always have, and I don’t know how to change because no matter how hard I try I just can’t. I can’t change. I can’t fix any of the many things that I hate about myself, which is yet another thing that I hate about myself. I’m so emotionally numb, I don’t feel anything other than uncontrollable, sudden anger and sometimes deep deep sadness. I’m so lonely all the time, but part of the reason I hate myself is that I can’t feel romantic or s***** feelings for anyone, and I’m incredibly insecure and paranoid, so I can’t do anything about that either. The only thing that would give me any relief is death but every time I think about killing myself I think about how sad my mom and dad would be if I killed myself. As much as I want to die, I can’t face death with the knowledge that it would (probably not ruin) but hurt my parents.