I feel empty. I feel drained. I’ve spent the last few months struggling to get things ready to get back to school so I can make enough money to move out of this hellhole (and my parents’ house) and quit working a minimum wage job where they fake like they care and want me to succeed, but really just want to keep me in an entry level position because I make them look good… and when you’re in a state of unfaltering depression, you already feel like you have no energy.

After a huge mess, I’ve now come to find out that I can’t get federal loans because of previous student loans that resulted from a degree that was a worthless piece of garbage. I don’t even make enough money to make payments on them in my current, full-time position. I just emptied my savings to get into this, and now I’m stuck. So on top of being depressed, I’m now despairing, because I feel my life right now sucking me dry.

I had my first total emotional meltdown since 2008 because I’m getting nothing in return for my efforts. Instead of trying to talk me out of it, my father berated me, mocked me, and told me something was wrong with me, I need medication or a hospital to function. Then when I told him (admittedly, yelled it at him) that saying that was “f****** unacceptable, and how dare [he] tell me I should be medicated”, he threatened to beat me down and call the cops.

I’ve spent the last half hour weeping uncontrollably, after unsuccessfully trying to communicate to them that I feel defeated beyond the indications of the word, with my head on a table, whispering variations of “I want to die” and “Someone kill me”. And I find myself genuinely wishing it for the first time in my life. Death seems so much less unbearable. I’m everything I hoped I would never be, and nothing I do seems to alter that in the slightest.