I’m walking down my school and I see her. A good friend by the name of Alice. She and I met in the middle of our 1st year for a language class. Her being the first female friend in my 1st year, I was suddenly in love. I wasn’t sure that she felt the same way with me but during our time of being friends I assumed she did. We shared some interests such as(call me a nerd while you can) anime, computer games, J-pop, Alt, etc. We’re in our 2nd year now, and I’m beginning to suspect hints, or what seem to be hints. Then one day, the fate of how I’m going to continue my friendship with her lied in a orchestral performance. We were both performing as we also played the same instrument. After the performance, we ate food, talked, laughed had our fair share of relaxation and some others even brought in games. We both sat down next to our stringed instruments, talked a bit, used our phone a bit, and that’s what brought the two of us closer than ever. That’s when it all fell down, though. We were still very close, however we were close enough to tell each other who we both liked. Being the cowardly character myself, I asked her to go first, and to my disappointment, it wasn’t me. I shattered into little bits inside. I had to keep smiling and laughing. It’d be out of my character to suddenly grow sad in an event like this. When it was my turn to answer, I simply said that I had no interest in anyone. By the time my mother picked me up, it was dark and I was crying silently as I waved and said bye to my classmates. I was dropped home, I fixed my things, and immediately covered myself in the blanket I used to lull me to sleep. I then led myself to believe that no one other than my family, which I’m thankful for, love me. Thinking these foolish, selfish thoughts that no one else would love me at such a young age makes me look like an even bigger selfish fool.

It was also that day that I realized that everyone I loved had eyes for someone else as for Alice was the last of five that I had a crush on. I thought of the idea of not getting a romantic partner for the rest of my life. I smiled at the idea to myself but I cried thinking about it. Even today I revolve around the idea that I will never have a romantic partner of any sort, I will not date, I will not marry, I will not procreate, nothing, for the remainder of my life. Depression struck me deep. I once decided that I would cut, but keep in mind that I’m a coward, I was too afraid to lay a blade anywhere near myself, so the only thing I could do was trap myself in a bubble of my own emotions, constantly being told to move on (Note that I’m supposed to be a happy character so close friends wouldn’t take me seriously if I told them anything), to smile, to look forward to a better tomorrow, but that is what ultimately made everything worse for me. Knowing that no one’s putting any effort as to helping me, by repeating things someone would say to a depressed pal.

Alice and I are still friends though. We still hang out, talk, text and visit houses once in a while. There’s just a problem though, I still love Alice. Although I wouldn’t tell her at all because I’d sound awkward and creepy. I want to think of her as a friend, for my sake and her’s.