I feel horrible inside….I am writing this now because if i keep to myself i might really kill myself sometime soon. This all happen about a year give or take a couple months. I was a just a teenage kid. during this time in my life i was just out of high school and attended about a year of university. but i dropped out of school because i was going to go and try to join the Marine Corp. well it all started when my ex-girlfriend was graduating high school. my father had been cheating on my mother and i knew of this wen i was about 7 years old but i decided that i was going to ignore it but then all the evidence came and blew up in my families faces. we had family friends calling us and stuff and my mother was crying. i have as a kid just always held a grudge on that part of my life but when my mother started to cry i couldn’t take it so i started to drink a lot more with other people, started drugs, and just went to a s*** person. which was when i decided that i will steal something and get caught, which i did and my mother bailed me out and all that it made me just ball like i was a little baby. and i told myself that i was as many horrible names i could call myself and i try to get better, but my ex-girlfriend(she is the only person that i loved with my true heart but she never did, she was the girl who had me as a company because she couldn’t be with the guy she wanted) who was moving had to clean her room and she found an old journal of her feelings about the guy she had always loved and still do love before me. well as you can guess once that came out she changed and was very cold and distant. i felt like my world was crumbling so much quicker then when i was breaking it apart. on top of this my best friends started to talk to me about their issues and problems and all that stress just made me feel like i had no ground to stand on and i was just free falling to a dark endless pit. so being a stupid teenager i said if she is going to leave me soon anyways i will just find someone new and i tried well this girl all she wanted was to have i********** which i did not decline. but i felt so horrible like why am i turning into this god forsaken s***** person. so i went and told my ex and told her that i had slept with an other girl. which we had a big fight but she said she will forgive(i found out later that the only reason was because she had also done this behind my back and never ever was going to tell me because she knew it would break me apart, and also because she felt horrible about being cold to me because of the journal and talking behind my back to the other guy she always wanted to be with) so we talked it out and it was just a whole shaky thing going on in my life. but my friends could care less about me i guess since i had to keep on dealing with their problem and i brought my friend who might be not in a good place if not for my help to my ex’s real father’s place(long story short me and her were their i need to pick him up because of a personal issue of his, i couldn’t leave her so i brought him along) well he always had this way of always trying to make himself like he is better when everything around him is for s*** and so he started to speak Spanish to the father and kept looking at me and adding to my stress of me not being able to talk to him in the same language by saying that i should learn it, it should be a common sense that i learn it, what have you been doing, your dumb for not learning it. and as always beer will be present given a a Mexican backyard barbecue. and everything inside me all just stopped. my thoughts just became dark and gloomy. all that i could think was my life is already shot to hell, i cant even make the girl of my dreams/life/everything happy, i did something and i promised i would never do, i have no future left, i even dropped out of college, i can speak to my girlfriend’s father/family. and i started to drink faster then i usually would if i was over their and that night i made the mistake that i am writing about. so it ended up that she was driving, me passenger and him in the back and those two were happily talking and me being piss. and the way i get rid of anything is to drive. and i got so much anger building up inside for no reason i snapped. and i made her stop the car and i got out and walked she got mad and worried so she came after me i told her i will drive she said she will not ride with me i stop the car and i followed her she was crying i kept yelling but it wasn’t anger i just wanted to know why she was crying, and so i told her that i won’t drive but told her to get in the car and i was outside with my friend i told him to drive her home and i just like as if i knew i made the one mistake i wasn’t suppose to everything cleared and i started to regret everything and became numb so i started to walk every where for about 6 hours i walked just no thought nothing but why was i so stupid. and now that i think back on all this i was already angry at my father, friends, myself, and her. her for still loving him, and for not punishing me for the sin i committed. me for committing the sin, nothing being able to help my mother, for making her cry, for being stupid, and just everything. my friend for just trying to be a snob in front of my face to my girls father. and my father for hurting the family