People tell me all the time that my strength is that I am everyone’s mother. I’m young, I don’t have kids, but I can’t help but take care of everyone. It’s an ongoing joke that I’m a “soccer mom.” But…as much as I love that people like that about me, sometimes it wears me down. I can’t break down. I have to be strong for everyone. I feel like if I let my emotions show, I will be letting people down.
The truth is that I had a breakdown almost a year ago, and when I finally got better I gained this personality that does not allow me to show any weakness. I have had a problem with cutting for years, and my breakdown intensified it. When I got better, I quit and haven’t done it for a few months. It’s still very hard though, especially when I take care of everyone else and don’t have anyone to do the same for me. I know that sounds completely selfish and awful, but sometimes the caretakers need someone to care about them too. I know people like me, but I don’t really like me all that much. I haven’t been able to tell anyone that things are still hard because, like I said, I don’t want to show any weakness. It’s like a deadly sin to me.
Honestly I just want someone to ask if I’m okay and not take yes for an answer. I want someone to be able to see through me in the times when I’m bad again. I want one person that I don’t have to mother. Most of the time I’m okay, but I want someone to care when I’m not. I’m so afraid that pushing all of my negative feelings away will just lead to a relapse; one that I can’t easily cover up.
