I worked my freaking b*** off for my A2s, but I found them really really hard and I have a horrid feeling about them. Normally I do okay in class and all my teachers said I should be able to reach my target grades for my first choice University (3As) but I worked so so hard for my A** and came out with 3Bs and a C :'( I am terrified I have failed again this time around. Seriously I worked so hard.. In my GCSEs I got two A*s, six As and a B. Why is it that it worked for my GCSEs but not my A-Levels :'( :'(
I can’t fail, I have to get into my first choice Uni for so so so many practical and emotional reasons, I just have to. If I fail them I will disappoint all my teachers and my family.
This is worse because I have actually become personal friends with some teachers since I left school and I’m worried that if I do badly in their subject they won’t want to be friends any more which would just break my heart because I like them more than most of my other friends.
I used to be depressed a few years ago and I had several incidents where I was suicidal and had to seek help because I was seriously feeling like I didn’t necessarily WANT to die but like it was my only option in life. I have been very very close.
If I fail my A-Levels I am worried my suicidal urges will flare up again and this time I won’t be able to control myself. I genuinely feel like this. I will not be able to cope with the shame and disappointing my family and school and my newfound friends.
One of the worst things will be if people take it to mean I didn’t make any effort. Even my own mother all the way through exams questioned how much work I was doing, just because I did my revision upstairs in my room rather than in the family room like my brother, even though she is always saying we shouldn’t do our work in there, and because a lot of the time I went into school to revise because I was too distracted at home. She seems to think if she can’t see me working then I’m not working.. but of course I was. How could I NOT be?! All I WANT is to get in.
She seems convinced, despite her suspicions, that I am getting into my first choice. However because of the way I feel they went and how it turned out last year, I am not so sure. I have tried to tell her that not everyone gets into their first choice and it is very normal to miss the target grades, but then she just starts saying it sounds like I know I won’t get in because I didn’t work and that I’m just ‘preparing her for it’. I’m just trying to get her to consider what is frankly a very real possibility! She never did Uni so she doesn’t know quite how this feels, and she admits it. I just feel like what I need is a bit of understanding and for her to just trust me for once!
Oh God I am so scared. I am so, so scared.