I just have to say I’m going crazy, I’m in a state of mind I can’t even control, my emotions are taking over and it’s all on top of me, sadness, pain, anger. I don’t know how to take it but this is why I’m here to confess and let it all out. About 6 moths ago I met a girl she was wonderful, she caught my eye the very first second I glanced at her across the courthouse fronts steps, she was beautiful with amazing red lips and gorgeous blue eyes, I couldn’t stop starring at her. I was with my mates at that time at it was so unexpected, drinking having a great time doing the usual pre-drinks before the club anyways I liked her and nothing was going to stop me from finding out who she was but I held up a shield to her that is, something I must do to protect myself from falling head over heals so quickly. It came down to me falling in love with her or getting close to anybody that is. My mate johnny liked her at the time, but being a good best mate I convinced them to both date each other, it went smoothly for a while till she made out with two guys while dating him but me and him are the same in that context where we forgive and forget and move forward so he did. After there third fall out I freely took the advantage of talking to her the first night of them breaking up confessing my feelings towards her, she liked me too and it was wonderful, but the night before I was at my best mates which is johnnys house and I forgot to log out of Facebook where he discovered early in the morning that I had sent her n*** pics and chatted her up, talking about each other in ways that people would confess about there wildest fantasies.

I was in deep s*** and I lied, he hates me now and we arent friends anymore and i understand why, i broke the bro code and fucked up majorly.

Anyways me and her, we ended up getting to know each other quite quickly and it all become a little to surreal on how perfect we both connected, getting drunk, going partying, having fun, doing everything best mates would do, till one night we did it.. I wanted to wait till she came back from her one month long euro trip but I had to say it, I asked “will you go out with me” and she said cutely in a soft tone “yes”. I was ecstatic, I was at a all time high in my life and she was everything to me then things went downhill. Dramatically, down hill. We ended up having a argument one night and I ended up pushing her and the cops where called, avo was put in place and a fee of $800 was on my debt record with all the continues debt I already have, but that was only the beginning, it seemed like it was a once off thing but the arguments got worse. We broke up for a week and she got laid by three guys in the one week and then we got back together we broke up once again for three days or so and bam she lied to me saying she didn’t have s** with other guy but he ended up c****** in her and the worst part was the fact she had s** with me the very next day, I felt disgusted. I felt destroyed. She lied. But I still loved her, we got back together and more arguments happen while being drunk, I kicked her and she kicked me, punched me, it’s beyond a joke and we need to stop but it’s only when we are drunk, I’m fine when I’m sober but now she treats me like absolute s***, like I’m her doormat, I’m nothing to her I don’t think but even since the three guys I can’t trust her and then the 4 guy made me loose it, now after 4 months later she kisses the same guy who came in her and kissed another 2 guys on rugby night, she says she cares for me and loves me but then tells me how stupid and a******, pathetic I am, I’ve lost all my friends, I’ve made her my number one even though I’m so broken down. What do I do? I want to be with her but it feels like I can’t trust her cause she’ll just keep cheating on me technically and I hate how she says I’m so stupid etc, it’s like she thrives off being so sadistic, I’m a nice guy just I don’t drink anymore, I don’t want to drink, I just want us to work and be back to how we first started. I hate this, I cry myself to sleep at night when she isn’t there because I miss her but I don’t think she feels the same.

I’m just so weak that I can’t let go, she’s absolutely amazing in every other way other than a few cons. I feel like I should just kill myself, like it’s the only way out.