I will lay it on the line. Something tells me we should be together but you hate me. Why wouldn’t you, i mean i hate myself. But the thing is even after I have found every way possible to lose my game i still think i have a chance at winning though my window of opportunity feels like its closing. Some days are better than others. I’ve never felt the softness of your embrace but i have felt at home in the warmth of your smile and your laughter. I’ve felt at home in my strength. I’ve tasted the salt of my sweat and tears. I think the most important thing is to find your equals and i found that underneath your exterior we have a similar core and credo. Sure i may be ugly, but to me myself i choose to see it differently for some reason. Haven’t you ever loved someone that didnt love you back? It hurts. It feels like we should at least be connected somehow. Do you miss me? I mean i miss you. The reason i dont tell you is because you think all i care about is a f***. At least thats what I get. Either that or you have me all figured out and I’m not worth your time anymore. What i miss about you though is vibing about life. You told me you want to win and I’m dying to know if you are. You feed me some b******* line instead and never tell me whats going on, like i am so hurt that i will use it against you. I guess it must be hard being attractive. Can’t be all that bad. At least if you find your winner, there’s a lower chance of him turning you down. Maybe though- maybe i wasn’t all that charming to you. I never minded making you feel good because I got it in return. You seemed to at least respect my point of view. Just hearing planes pass over my place right now makes me wish i had the opportunity to meet you. Again not for some cheap f***. Maybe a hug and a kiss on the cheek to tell you i care and i value you for the love u have shown me. I think that what is so hard about this is theres not a lot of real love to be had out there. I wish you and me lived close. I wish you could witness my life’s project of turning myself around. I guess i need an audience. I dont pity myself. I blame myself. I’ve been taught how to suppress emotions so its hard finding motivation anymore. For the time we talk somehow i find motivation from it. I dont mean to glorify you- i dont know the real you. I dont mean to devalue myself either but its all i know how to do. What impresses me tho is i found the frayed end. I’m starting to turn it around but its a complex problem built over years. I just… I can do it on my own. But with your help i could get there quicker. What’s always bothered me tho is your condescension and condemnation. I guess i deserve a little. Haven’t you ever felt s***** for over a decade about yourself? I just wish i knew… If u care at all. You say you do, but the typical attitude is im supposed to follow you around like a puppy and i cant do that. But i know who you are. You let your guard down and i saw in briefly. It was beautiful. Its so wrong tho to bare your soul like i do all the time. Leaves you vulnerable . Yeah i like deep connections that are sure to fail with the hands of time. Without them i want you to tell me what I’m here for. I thought we shared something, but maybe i am wrong. It’s probably hard for u to see this as true love and not something cheaper. Let me ask u this then, why do i miss you every day, even though I know for a fact we will never be romantic? Isn’t that love? I miss you. I hate the goddamn internet, but it did give me you.