I’m a very fucked up person on multiple levels. I’m also very hypocritical. I’ve lied almost all of my life and punished myself for it too. The world punished me for it as well. I hurt my family, I hurt the people who cared enough to try and help, I have lied to my fiancé, and I have fucked up thoughts about suicide. I try so hard to be a good person, and everyone says and thinks I am.. But I don’t feel like it. My dad did verbally abuse me and physically abuse me but he was just a Muslim alcoholic.. I ran away almost 2 years ago and won’t tell him where I am and won’t even talk to him on the phone. I know he’s done really fucked up things to my mom and I, but part of me just says… He’s human.. He’s your dad. I’m ashamed, guilty, scared, nervous, happy, and relieved at the same time. I wanted to live my own life, that’s why I left. Every time I try to talk to him now (sometimes I give in) I get reminded why I left in the first place. He’s abusive and manipulative. My grandma is very old fashioned, but she probably hates me and is really hurt for me ignoring my father. My best friends would try to hit me up and I wouldn’t reply to them. I’d only focus on my fiancé. I’d give him my all. Then I found out how many times he’s lied to me, cheated, flirted… And things got different. I started watching p*** and m*********** behind his back, would look at s*** pictures of men, would feel so f****** guilty but I feel like events led me to do this.. I wouldn’t be as excited to have him home.. I just feel so dead. I feel like I’ve failed at life. I feel like I should belong in prison or just die because I definitely feel like I don’t belong in a world like this. Please help me