And here I am again, alone, dreaming of some girl who has no interest. I know better than this to waste my time wondering, but cling on to this sliver of hope expecting it to take me somewhere; expecting something to change. As time has passed it seems nothing has really changed.

Though my ideals have grown, I have it increasingly difficult to practice what I preach. Envy, lust, and hate oversee my actions, leaving me with nothing but despair. In a way I feel it’s because no one shares the views that I do.

In love for instance, I believe love should be between two friends. I witnessed many relationships that fail because they are based on s***** attraction alone, others failed because they were too stubborn or refused to try to understand. True friends build a connection, and reach some form of understanding brought together by communication. Without friendship, a relationship will not last.

However I am bombarded with “don’t date friends”, “no body truly loves their wife”, “all men are assholes”, it seems the only advice society really has to offer on relationships is to care only for yourself and what you want. Trying to bridge between two separate worlds through the perception of two separate people is impossible so it’s best not to even try.

I revealed my heart to my best friend, to have her quickly turn me down and attack me. Of all the people I thought who’d understand me… I was in pain, but in her eyes a man is not supposed to be emotional at all. To her I was not a man.

I am left to wonder if this whole time, my lack of luck in love, has it been simply I am still a child? Is it that all my ideals are wrong? Childish even?

So, what is a man I ask myself? In our society a man is a strong, emotionless a******, of which I am not. My past perceptions that a man provides and protects, a man takes responsibility, and is loving… That all means nothing now.

I have to disengage, disassociate myself from everything. I feel I can no longer afford to care. Everything in my life up to this point has been a burden. Perhaps in this I might become a man, but I know it would leave me empty. Empty… I don’t want to live as an empty vessel, but I don’t want to be alone anymore either…

I am stuck between two dreams, one in which I give in and end it, the other I am pulled from the darkness at the last minute by the woman I love. Though now it seems, I am drowning in the darkness and she is not coming.

I want to join the military… not for honor, money or a future… but because I want to die… and in that way, maybe I will be a man…