My best friend, how I so deperately still want to call her that, is really hurting my feelings and making me feel…kind of worthless. I mean, I know a lot of people are worse off than I am right now and I’m probably just being overdramatic but she’s just being a jerk to me. Okay, so here’s the deal. This friend, let’s call her…Monica…sure, why not? Okay, so Monica and I have been friends for about three years now, I’d say. I was closer to Monica than I’ve ever been to any other friend EVER. We’ve shared things with each other that are soooooo personal, we’ve never told anyone else. Monica left to go to a college pretty far away from my own back in September. Despite the distance, our friendship stood strong…for a while. Lately, Monica has been telling me all this really….dark stuff about her, and her behavior has been quite self-destructive and I try….oh, do I try, I try SO HARD to help her in any way that I can. I’ve lost weeks worth of sleep because of her. She’s told me that I’m the reason she’s still alive… While….flattering(?)that’s a pretty serious thing. It’s a lot of responsiblity to hold on your shoulders knowing that. It’s like, if I saved you, does that also mean that I could destroy you if I slip up somehow? She’s always coming to me to unload all of her baggage, and trust me, there’s a ton, it seems never ending. I try to be sympethetic, I try to give advice (which is usually ignored, only to have her coming back to me two days later whining about the same thing), I try to be there for her. I try so hard to be a good friend to her. She asks what would she do without me. She tells me that she loves me so much. I tell her that I love her too. She tells me that she needs me. She tells me that I’m her best friend in the world…..She tells me about this new kind of music she loves……She tells me that there are all these cute guys in her classes…..She tells me that’s she’s joined a club……She tells me that the people are so nice to her…..I’m happy for her! Truly!…….Two weeks later….she tells me that no guy wants her…..she tells me that she hates herself…..she tells me that she wants to cut again……she tells me that she needs me……I tell her that I’m here just like always…..She tells me that I’m her only real friend…..She tells me that she loves me..so much. I tell her that I love her too. ….One week later, she went shopping with her new friends…..She tells me that she has a lot in common with this one girl…..She tells me that this one girl understands her so well, this girl is amazing! She tells me that she’s sooo lucky to have found a friend in this girl…..oh, yeah, and me too, of course!….Right….Well, um..Good! I’m glad…really. She tells me that she’s depressed. She tells me that she confided in that one girl and that one girl was there for her. That one girl held her tightly while she cried which is something I can’t do from 250 miles away. I don’t want to bear all this burden, but why does it hurt me when that one girl is chosen to bear it instead? She tells me that she had a nice day. She tells me that she cried all day. She tells me that she’ll never live live up to her dreams and expectations. She spent the whole day not really talking to me, just mindless chatter about nothing full of “yup”s and smiley-face emoticons typed only because we had nothing else to say. That is the entirety of our conversations anymore. It’s either unloading baggage about things I can’t help her with, or talking about absolutely nothing, meaningless conversations full of “yup”s and smiley-face emoticons. She’s coming to stay with me for an entire month this summer. I should be looking forward to his, right? ….I don’t know if I am. I mean, I am, but I’m afraid for it. I feel like this will either repair our friendship, or will put the nails in the coffin on it. I hate myself for saying that, but it’s true. We haven’t had a real converstaion, a friendly one, about the things we like, like the conversations we used to have, there haven’t been any like that in a few months, it feels like. I’m worried it will painfully awkward, but I really hope I’m wrong about that. She even said that the hardest part about staying with me will be not getting to listen to that kind of music that she loves so much (because she knows I’m not into it) and not being able to “fangirl” over it with..that one girl. (I’m sorry, but what the actual **** kind of thing is that to say?! God, I’m so sorry I’m not “that one girl”. That was probably the most insensitive thing she’s ever said to me.) And we have tickets to go to this anime convention soon and my family and I are spending quite a lot of money on this convention and I was telling her today that I’m quite disappointed with the guest lineup so far and I was pretty upset because we spent a lot of money for this and she was just being really standoffish about it and not really caring about my feelings. It’s like, I know money isn’t an issue for you because you have grandparents who send you money every month to spend on whatever you want, but not all of us have that and excuse me for being upset about our expenses that could easily be spent on schoolbooks, or classes, or our family vacation going toward something that may not be worth the cost. And then she just left the chat. I never left her when she was telling me about her problems. Yes, I know, this isn’t the most major of problems at all, but it’s the principle of the thing. I spent countless sleepless nights being there for you but I see that is a one way street. I don’t know…it just feels like over the past few months our friendsip has gone from being the closest of friends to….me kind of being replaced and treated like…nothing. I hope she realizes how much she’s hurting my heart with the way she’s acting. I really want her to say sorry….I just want my friend back. Anyway, I suppose that’s it. If you took the time to read all this…thank you.