No job. No car. No money. No higher education. No way out.
No job, no money. No money, no gas or car. No car, no job or school. No higher education, no better paying job.
No money, no meds. No meds, rampant depression and anxiety. No money, no therapist. No therapist, poor coping ability. No money, no doctor. No doctor, no health.
A cyst has been on my breast for 7 months. Daily draining isn’t helping, and I’m not strong enough to slice my skin open and pull out the sac. Constant fatigue, constant exhaustion with life, constant chronic pain.
I overeat with the food that my parents provide because it’s the only thing in my life that I can control. Even then I can’t control it, because I find myself eating without remembering having made or gotten the food. I just eat on autopilot. I’m obese. I’ve tried purging, it’s too disgusting. I’ve tried just not eating, I’m too weak-willed.
I smoke because every time I try to stop it fails. I’m weak. I can barely last a few hours before I’m scrounging in the neighbors’ outdoor ashtrays for smokable butts. I’ve smoked half cigarettes found in ashtrays outside of convenience stores before. I’ve sat outside at a convenience store bumming cigarettes off of passers-by.
I dumpster dive to get items that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford. I have no problem going through someone’s trash bag when I see something in it I want.
I am not clean. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t see the point. I have no job, no school, nobody comes over, just me, my roommates who have already seen me at my worst and can somehow manage to deal with it, and once a week my step-dad to take me grocery shopping. I wash my clothes maybe once every 3 months, when I can round up the energy. I take a bath maybe once every two weeks. I know my cyst and the plethora of pimples I get each week is caused by my lack of hygiene, just like the staph infection I had 2 months ago was. I can’t seem to make myself care.
If I weren’t so scared of blinking out of existence upon death and hurting my mom, I’d have killed myself already.