I think i broke my MP3 which this morning sent me into one of my self hating shame spirals; I was so attached to that thing. I hate this ridiculous s*** but its always there, the paranoia has been worse this week, scared of everyone like they’re all laughing about me and hating on me, that there’s this big thing everyone is doing that I’m missing out on. God I’m so sick of this juvenile crap i want it GONE. I want to be healthy in my head I’ve wasted so many years dissociating and being a total mental case. Its so f****** hard to be easy on yourself when you need to, i only feel it at the group at the library when the yoga ladies come in and make us lay down and then play weird instruments and speak all lovingly to us. That feels so soft and warm where as most of the time everything around feels so hard and sharp and heavy. F*** there was so much s*** on that player, it shouldn’t bother me so much but it does, the littlest things can f*** me up
