my best friend one day just woke up and decided she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. It broke me. I spent the whole summer wondering why she hated me when I did nothing wrong. my own best friend left me. at some point I began believing there was something wrong with me or that I did something wrong that could make her not like me. I cried every single day. I couldn’t even live with the fact that the best friend I will ever have didn’t want to be my best friend anymore. I have to live with this everyday. I’ve had to live with it everyday for almost a year. The day she decided our friendship was over was May 31. That is in 6 days. I don’t think she understands how much she hurt me. We’re still not friends, and although I don’t think about it as much as I did this summer, it still kills me. I want her to love me again. I want my best friend back. Although I have other friends, they’ll never compare to the best friend I once had. It’s not the same. This kind of damage, is the emotional damage that haunts you forever. I hope I haunt her forever too. but I want my best friend back. I don’t really think about it 24/7, but whenever I feel lonely, I just fall apart. I can’t explain the pain I feel/felt. It’s a type of pain no one should have to endure. I’m broken. Still. And I’m embarrassed that I’m still broken. I still don’t know what I did wrong. But I can’t erase these memories. The worst part is why. If you loved me…why’d you leave me??? that’s the scary part. Thinking I never had the best friend that I thought I did. That she never loved me. I don’t know what the point of this was. below I’ll write what I wanted to send to her one day.

may 2nd. The last day we were actually, really friends. The next day, you decided you didn’t want me in your life anymore. May 2nd. It’s been a year and I’m still trying to hold to a friendship that doesn’t even exist. Did it ever exist? Did you ever love me like a best friend should. You don’t destroy the people you love. And you destroyed me into a million little pieces. you took every piece I had left and shattered it. You don’t destroy people you love. That’s how I know that you never loved me. And knowing that you never loved me should help me move on, right? But I can’t, because I gave you a piece of me I can’t get back. Those wasted hours and days and months spent trying to make the friendship work pretending it worked. And I hate how people joke about “dysfunctional friendships” because it’s not funny. We were dysfunctional. Actually dysfunctional. Do they know what that means? We were dysfunctional. A friendship that didn’t work how it was supposed to. Do you know what emotional abuse is. When someone hurts your feelings, the when you tell them they hurt your feelings they make you apologize for your feelings being hurt. Does that sound familiar? Because I’m pretty sure that’s how I felt every damn day. I don’t get how you could forget about me so quick and just move on and erase our friendship like we were never even friends let alone best friends. I hope you got your wish because I have nothing honestly. I have friends…but there not you natalie. They’re not you. And even if they could fill that void, they don’t. They don’t make feel wanted like sometimes you did. Emphasis on sometimes. The good times were the best and I felt like I had the most amazing set if friends and that my life was perfect with perfect people around me. And I loved it. May 2nd. May 2nd you me Jakob Hailey shaddon and Jon walked to mcdonalds. And that day was perfect. Natalie, when you came to my soccer game not once, but for the second time… You don’t know how much that meant to me. In health they make us write about the last time we were happy and I wrote about that day. Your still one of the reasons I can’t sleep at night. You Emily, Allie, Meghan. It keeps me up. The people I lost haunt me in my sleep. Are you happy? Because I’m not. I almost want to go back to the way we were but I’m afraid to ask because I think it’ll hurt. And even if we did try to be the friends we were I think it would all hurt. May 2nd. I still haven’t decided if my last perfect day with you is a depressing or happy holiday. Depressing that I lost the best friend I’ll ever have or happy because I’ve made it a year without her. I made it. Those last couple weeks of school I thought I would die in bc I was alone and had no friends. I was always alone though. That’s what I didn’t realize. 6th grade you Emily Vanessa Allie Meghan and everyone were just ghosts. And by the time I realized it you were just the wind passing by, no where to be found. It’s been a year now without my best friend and I still have the ability to break down in tears because of it. 1 year without my best friend. Please don’t tell me I have to make it another 365 days without you. I want my best friend back, or am I a year too late?