The title says it all but you need to have the backstory to get the gist, it’s quite long so I’ll try to summarise. Please bear with me 🙂
It’s 2014 and i’m 21 years old, 22 in two weeks. I’ve been in love with this girl ever since I was 17. The first girl i’ve ever show any interest in. It was love at first sight. I’d describe myself as socially inept (to say the least) when it comes to women, especially when I was younger, so I didn’t approach her there and then. Although saying this, despite the lack of social skills I have never felt compelled to approach a woman, purely based on attraction. This doesn’t mean I don’t find women attractive, I recognise and appreciate the beauty of women but not to the point where I have felt compelled to approach.
So I added her on Facebook, and we instantly hit it off. The only downside was that she had a boyfriend. At the time I was so enthralled by her presence (albeit online) that I fell in love with her mind, and in doing so forgot/didn’t care how this would have impacted her relationship. I knew where the moral lines were and at the time I couldn’t see anything happening between us. She used to tell me how badly he treated her, I was the essentially the virtual shoulder to cry on. She pushed for more and I used to try and convince her to stay with him. We talked for ages,and gradually the conversations would last longer and longer. We stopped talking for a bit, I can’t remember why, until she later got into contact with me several months later, they’re relationship was on the brink of destruction after a very large hiccup. She offered it on a plate to me and I declined, I didn’t want to be a rebound. They later split up, and she was hurt badly but I was too naive to see. We got on so well online but had only ever met briefly once whilst at a party. Investing so much time into somebody online is foolish, especially in those circumstances.
We were getting on really well, talking on the phone all the time. She was hurting majorly from her breakup but I had things going on in my life that were distracting me.(My mum was going through a breakup with my dad, a man i’d only known for about a year as he had been absent all my life, but that’s a whole different kettle of fish) We hit a rocky patch and stupidly decided to meet up, it was a disaster. You could feel the awkwardness. I didn’t tell her I was a virgin until we met in person. Strange because in the virtual/telephone world the conversation would flow autonomously. We both got high and she wasn’t an experienced toker so this only made matters worse. We kissed(pecked) and she got a taxi home. I had a problem with eye contact and I tend to over analyse things, especially body language when i’m nervous (2nd time i’d ever met a girl in those kinds of circumstances ) and the combination of both our insecurities/her still hurting because of her breakup and that fact that she kind of blamed me just turned it into one big c**********. I insisted on meeting her again just to see if it would work, but this would only turn out to be 10x worse as the first time. She acted so cold. We talked on the phone for a short period after but eventually we lost contact.
I took a gap year from my studies and my life began to spiral out of control.I was living on my own and I wasn’t socialising, I was never really a social person anyway. I lost contact with the friends I rarely socialised with anyway. I’ve always had some kind of social awkwardness but I could play off it and I’m pretty quick witted .The lack of social interaction only served to deteriorate those skills. I changed as a person, I am still kind hearted but and in some ways the bad times were helpful because they made me 10x more assertive.
I got into a state of deep depression. I’ve had this emptiness inside of me ever since I was about 12, but I only started recognise it properly during this time. I was smoking extreme amounts of high grade/taking whatever drugs I could get my hands on just to cope(no heroin or crack). The emptiness was so strong that I began to question my reality and the control I had over it. I couldn’t feel. I began to self harm, but only to gain a sense of control and feeling, not in anyway suicidal. The suicidal thoughts would come later.
I would think about this girl every single day, as soon as I wake up. And at the same time I would feel so s***. Every now and then she would try and get into contact with me, but I was so f****** low that I couldn’t be bothered. I decided to google her one day and came across her Yahoo questions page full of queries relating to our situation all those years back, turns out she didn’t find me physically attractive but was still in love with me/my mind. This hurt me, a lot. I had turned into an insecure wreck.
Two years+ down the line I’ve sorted myself out to the point where i’m at university and not self harming, but I still feel the constant depression and emptiness. At this point in time I have cut off the majority of my family in the process. I resented them for not helping me/trying to understand my situation.
I had completely given up on women after her, as much as she hurt me she set a bar. This and the fact that I was a virgin at this stage only contributed to the emptiness. It’s not like i’m not attractive, I have girls approach/try to talk to me but nothing is there?
Fast forward to 2013/2014, I’m in my last year of university and I still feel like s***. I’m majorly behind on work, I’m getting good grades but they could be better.
I got myself out of the horrible suicidey stage all by myself so I thought I could cope with the emptiness, but the constant infatuation with this girl only served as a reminder. Every 3/4 months she would try to get into contact with me, I had her blocked so this was already an inconvenience. I made a conscious decision to forget her, but I feel like I should make amends for what happened in the past, karma list style. I initiated conversation but couldn’t go through with it. A few months pass and we start catching up. We’re both (seemingly) smarter and wiser. A few months of on and off talking and we’re back to how it was when we were 17, but we’re both adults and we need more than the virtual. We decide to meet up after weeks of deliberations. I’m nervous as f***, this is the girl that rejected me, the only girl I’ve ever loved, and i’ve decided to meet her. She knows nothing about the bad times, and I’ve let myself go. She rejected me when I was a full on gym bunny, imagine what she’ll think when I meet her with my hobo beard. So we meet at a hotel, it’s awkward but she’s not cold like she was when she was a teenager. We sat on the bed and talked. I wasn’t expecting anything in terms of physical stuff, even though she booked the room.She said she wasn’t expecting anything either but her body language said otherwise. We kissed and agreed to meet again the following weekend.
So by this time I’m getting more comfortable with her now, both physically (I have problems with intimacy due to lack of experience) and mentally, things seemed to be going ok, although my insecurities are getting in the way of a lot of things. That and the depression thing which I haven’t done a good job of hiding. We meet again and we end up getting a bit tipsy and she gives me my first b*******. We meet again the following week and she’s really ill, she leaves early after another b******* but says she doesn’t want to have s** with me because of her insecurities/she wasn’t groomed.
So now things start to mess up, she begins to outline these doubts whilst she’s drunk on the phone. In the past she has entrusted me with confidential information so I thought it would only be fair to tell her about my past when we didn’t speak, although I was scared of scaring her away. My negativity is bringing her down and I wanted her to realise why I had that mind frame. So I tell her and tell her that i’m not in that state anymore. She asks to come around the following evening, she says she wants to sleep over because she’s ill and she’s missing work anyway. We start talking about all the depression stuff and she shows me her scars too. We end up going to my bedroom and one thing lead to another, she asks if I’m ready to lose my virginity. We end up having the most amazing s** all night, for some reason I couldn’t c** for ages so it went on for a while, I’ve never felt so alive. We go to sleep together, the first time in my life that i’ve slept in the same bed as somebody. We wake up and there’s a weird vibe. We have s** again and then she starts to unleash all these feelings. Saying she wants the dreaded space because she isn’t happy? Mixed messages is an understatement. Now she wants “minimal contact/not to chill again” which is extremely disheartening when you’ve saved it for so long.
So yeah, that’s a brief summary of my fucked up life. Apologies for the wall of text and grammatical errors, I’m a bit tipsy. If you’ve read this far down you’re an amazing human being.