Truth be told is this confession falls In a variety of categories. But in the end It all becomes painful. I’ve never been much of a religious fanatic or believer but I’ll admit at one time or another as I child I did have the slightest bit of faith that maybe a prayer would make all the difference. But soon lost hope. Little did I know is that changes take years and the good moments never last nearly as much as the impact all the bad ones would. But in the end what happened to me and my family isn’t exactly what makes us guilty. I know many people would tell me that much of it was beyond our control and even so to anyone who’s ever been abused, molested and raped for years they’d too say that a bit of guilt would fall upon them. I don’t feel like such a victim anymore because despite my efforts to be a decent human being inspite of it all. A part of me still wants to blame my past on all my misdeeds. I don’t hurt people. Not physically…its more the emotional pain. The kind that eats away and grabs hold and only progresses like some deadly disease. I’m guilty of self loathing and self abuse. I push every single woman who I’ve loved and who’s ever loved me away. Because I was too stubborn and foolish to accept that maybe just maybe a good thing would come my way once in a while. I’m on the verge of losing the most wonderful woman if I haven’t Already lost her. I have an act for being a pretentious a******. For being presumptuous and questioning the validity of the love she gives, and time and time again I find myself bringing up the things about her past I don’t like. I don’t know why. Maybe some part of me envies her because she’s not so damaged maybe a greater part of me finds some sort of resolve in tearing her down because I know she’s so much better than me. Either way I’m a monster and I know it. I don’t know why she loves me simply that she does. I have this voice, my voice in my head constantly fighting against me convincing me otherwise that she’s out to hurt me and get me and it allows my insecurities to run wild. I’m not a hideous looking man maybe not on the outside. But I’m rotten to the core. And I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not looking for help but maybe I just needed to say this. To be said. Maybe I just need to accept myself and ignore myself all at once. It’s difficult when I try and pretend to not be myself however. But then again who am I really? I was never this crazy or maybe I just didn’t know it? I wish I was normal. Maybe I do envy her for her ability to let things go and let the past remain as it is. She’s made me a better person since we met and I’d hate to lose such a precious woman. Maybe I don’t deserve her but I’ll find a way to do so. Even if it takes me a lifetime. I won’t be her project. I want to marry this girl. I’ve never wanted such a thing in my life until now. And no time left but now to make it possible.