I’ve been lying for years and I regret being a horrible person

Letting out years of regret and frustration over my actions. This was made halfway thru an episode of mine.

I lied to my friend, my ex, my coworker and how ever many more. A coward, an addict, loser, liar, d***. All true……to much of a coward to admit it and say it straight forward so I’m on Reddit crying to an invisible audience. Starting off with my friend S. I had s** with his future babymomma(J). It was back in high school(2018) it was just a one time thing nothing more nothing less. She wasn’t pregnant or even close to that, it was about a year later when she told my friend S that she was 3 weeks pregnant. I’ve lived in regret ever since. They had the child and she left and gave full custody to S. Now he’s getting older and it still haunts me. My ex(A), now that is where…. I’m so horrible. Right out of high school for her was rough. We had been seeing each other and talking till A and her mother got into an argument and A left, not knowing it was permanent I let her stay. Sooner or later her mom moved and left her daughter in my care. Things were smooth till things just got boring idk just didn’t feel the same way about her anymore. Ive never been the guy to dump a girl for fear of body harm or suicidal thoughts that might come after. She’ll go back and forth to her father in Mississippi cause of fighting and that’s when I started cheating on her with one of my exs, at the same time she was also cheating on me idk when. Cheating for cheating ok let’s get over it, work it out. Fight after fight later she moves out and gets her own place. Months go by she texts back. I’m talking to V cool girl but not the one i guess. I drop her. And my coworker G knows my kinks and fetishes. G has a daughter and I’m not ready to put my dad pants just yet so I started cutting her for A. I hang out with A at her new place and of course we start getting freaky. Both parties ate good let’s just say that. Taste different hmmmm. To my knowing she was seeing an old coworker from her last job. Days ago she was at his house doing it. He didn’t pull out and yeh………idk what made her text me back come to find out it was revenge. I ate her out with some dudes nut in her. That destroyed me. Thinking about how fast she moved on and brought me back for revenge. Now typing this idk if that’s justified I am a d***. I just never seen her the same. To go that far for revenge, and ask me if I wanna pay for the plan B cause the 31 yo dude she fucked couldn’t get it. No, my whole Mental breakdown she caressed me helping me. That next day she went bought the plan B. This was around valentine cause I remember bitching about how I gotta take care of my cheating ex who almost had a family if I wasn’t in the picture. And I let her know why I was upset the next day she didn’t take that well. Another fight ensued. Fast forward now and she plans on leaving for Pennsylvania back with her mother, cool I’ll try my hardest to make it the smoothest transition no fighting no nothing. I failed, G left a flirty note on my vape when I charged it in the offices at my job. I crumbled it up and put it in my pocket. Stupid decision yes. This is the first note since I cut her off. And left it in my car. Went to pick up A from her work. Then went to my homeboys house, the brother of S for some weed. A went snooping in my car and found the little sticky note and got out of the car and walked away down the road. Not knowing she left I panicked when i didn’t see her in my car. S doesn’t live in the best part of town so kidnapping came to my mind. Found out she left her own message on the sticky note and walked off and said come find me b****. Fast forward again I went home cause we were both fired up and I wasn’t gonna go play hide and seek with this girl. She comes into the room mad as hell. Telling me to go outside so we can fight. wtf no, I wanna strangle you but I’d never lay my hands on you, you’re a female no just no. So I left back to my homeboys house I wasn’t gonna deal with her. I am now sitting outside in my car balled up in the backseat seat cause I’m just a s***** individual and it’s hitting me like a bus. We both can’t trust each other, idk if anyone’s gonna read this, guess I’m just letting it out on here cause I’m to much of a coward to tell my friends or anyone in general. Just getting worse day by day, this isn’t what I wanted my life to be built of off. A house of cards glued together by lies.