I don’t know if I can keep seeing this amazing woman I’ve been dating…

BLUF: Dating a great lady. She’s out of shape, but continues to eat poorly and not exercise. I’m thinking about bailing before it gets any more serious. I wish there was a way I could address this with her, but I don’t think there is.

Long version:

So, I (male mid-30s) have been seeing this woman (late 20s). She lives a couple hours away from me, but i don’t mind the drive too much. She’s smart, funny, a great cook, accomplished (she is an MD, while I’m just a military officer), and on paper she’s pretty great. I’ve been seeing her for 5 months and I can tell she’s in love with me (she wasn’t even really dating until she finished med school). I’ve met her parents (lovely people, quirky and interesting). I’ve met her friends. Her mean cat really like me, and despite my allergies, I let her snuggle. We even got STD tests so we don’t have to use rubbers. And although I really like her there’s some differences in our lifestyle that I just don’t think will work…

I’m not one to judge solely on body, I want a chick with a good head on her shoulders. However, I also don’t want someone who’s not willing to put in work to take care of themselves and better themselves. When we first got together she was recovering from an injury and had let herself get out of shape (she’s definitely chubby). She got motivated, got a new fitness watch, and started working out. I was stoked for her. That lasted about 3 weeks. Even when we were having fun and I had challenged her to a couple of workouts she eventually got fed up and cried. She used to do college sports and even coached for a while. So I figured she’d understand the need for consistency and get right back into training, but that’s not been the case. In fact, she’s been letting herself go more, which has made me less s******* attracted to her.

Also, she’s a bit of a glutton. Don’t get me wrong, I like snacks when the urge strikes. But I don’t sleep with chocolates by my bed to eat in the middle of the night, which she does. I’m also not her parents and I’m not going to ask her to change or scold her for her s***** eating habits. But it’s also rubbing off onto me, and I gained 10 pounds from all the booze and sweets she has around. Fortunately I’ve taken a breath and I lost most of it already.

She’s going to be crushed if I split with her and i don’t want to do that to this sweet woman. However, I don’t know if it’s my place to try and get an adult to improve themselves. If it were one of my subordinate at work I’d try and motivate them (which I’ve tried with her), if that failed I’d lay out the facts and shoot straight (“you’re out of shape private, this won’t fly, you’re going to be doing remedial PT until you’re doing what you need to be doing, or else xyz are the consequences”). I would love to lay out the fact that I can’t be with someone long term if they’re not at the very least taking care of their body, but I don’t think that’s a conversation she could have.

Basically, I’m thinking about just saying “it’s been great getting to know you and I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but it’s not going to workout romantically between us”, and just not giving her a reason. I suppose I’m ok with being the bad guy, rather than hurt her feelings more.

Anyways, I’m rambling. I’ll take a liter of cola, and a double cheese burger.