I lost custody and I’m secretly relieved

I needed somewhere anonymous to post this. I need to get this off my chest and if you continue to read you will see why I can’t open up to friends and family. I can’t tell anyone this because everyone will think I’m a bad parent.

I am a single parent. I have been for over a decade. I left my ex and raised two kids on my own. They are both early teenagers now and are both girls. They are twins.

For their entire life, they have only had summers with their other parent in Florida. The other parent moved for a job after we divorced. The twins don’t go every summer and they don’t talk to their other parent outside of those summer visits. Basically, twins have always preferred to live with me and didn’t have much to do with the other parent.

I have handled everything from medical appointments to school to all the things required for 10 months out of the year, every year, for over a decade for both kids.

It wasn’t easy. One of the twins has been in an IEP since a young age. She struggles and has high needs issues. She’s been in therapy since before kindergarten. It was a long road for me as a single parent to navigate all this for her. It’s been many tears, many heartaches, a lot of money invested in the right professionals to help her. I spent countless hours and time with the school because they couldn’t handle her needs. Work was a struggle and personal life was a struggle because all of my energy went into her needs. Due to her immense amount of needs, I have basically put my life on hold for 10 years. I don’t date because let’s be honest, it’s hard to find a partner who is willing to commit their life to helping raise a special needs child.

My girls are my world and worth it and I would give up everything for them.

Well all this has changed so drastically last month.

The coparent and I have never really gotten along but for the past decade it wasn’t an issue because they didn’t really care about the relationship with the girls. Not since I filed for divorce.

Now we are back in court where I can give few details except for the following: My ex and I lean on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to political beliefs- this may sound weird to bring up but since some political leanings have a tendency to firmly stand in ways that obviously impact what kind of parenting/education/medical care they do, it obviously can cause problems if parents don’t agree.

For example: How parents deal with vaccinations. It doesn’t matter which way either of us lean but at the end, let’s just say, that professional recommendations were dismissed by a judge who allowed his leanings to factor in his opinion over the many school officials, doctors and even the GAL opinions. You can already imagine where this is going right?

I was given an ultimatum, lose both my daughters, or lose only one to the other parent. This was the judge’s warning to my lawyer. I was heavily encouraged to settle for losing just one because if we had gone to trial the judge made it clear I would lose both. So what happened? I lost custody of one daughter. The one with special needs. The one who I have spent many many years in tears and struggle due to all her special needs and how they impacted my personal and professional life. I was allowed to keep custody of the daughter who has been lucky to have a pretty normal life. She doesn’t struggle with issues like other daughter has.

So that’s where we stand. The courts encouraged the twins to be split between parents and my ex will now be managing the daughter with special needs.

This is the off my chest part:

I’m secretly relieved. I can’t tell anyone this for obvious reasons. They wouldn’t understand a decade of sacrificing your personal and work life to manage a special needs child. I have sacrificed dating, vacations, trips, careers all to center around my special needs child. Now to be clear, she has special needs and she does take a lot of care but she is high functioning too. Because of this, other parent is in for a world of surprise when they deal with their first school year together. Now recall, I’ve raised the twins for 95% of their life. Other parent really has no clue and hates me so much they refuse to believe anything I say. If I said the sky was blue, other parent hates me so much, they would say it was green.

This next year is going to be a FAFO situation for the other parent but honestly, it needed to happen. I was tired of their denial of our childs needs for the last decade! Now other parent has a chance to see for themselves and DEAL with it like I have for so so many years. Don’t get me wrong, when other parent asks me to take my special needs daughter back, which I absolutely believe will happen (I’d take bets lol), I absolutely will take her back and I will be overjoyed to have her back. She and her sister are my world, and I would gladly carry chains the rest of my life to make them smile. But… I have to admit to someone and that is you.

This next year I will be able to date again. I will be able to have vacations and outings with friends. I will not be in and out of a principal’s office working to give a special needs child what they need for their education. I will not be responsible for managing many doctors or medications or emotional meltdowns etc etc etc. My other daughter is looking forward to being the one who has all my attention. Other daughter spent a decade having a special needs sister take the forefront.

I have already planned two vacations for me and my other daughter. We are going to bond and she is going to be my focus. My health will be my focus (already lost 20 pounds!) and I’m looking forward to dating! It’s my turn to get remarried. I am going to grow a lot through this next year, and I am going to get a break!

My special needs daughter will be okay. She loves her siblings out there at the other parent but I know eventually she will want to come back home too so this will all be short lived BUT I can’t explain how relieved I am for a break and how funny it is going to be when my idiot of an ex has to ask me to take back custody!

So, there you have it, reddit. My ex is going to FAFO and I’m going to get a year of…endless possibilities really.