My mom died of cancer the same year my grandpa died. I mostly hid upstairs on the PC while she rotted away. I was not right in the head and hadn’t been since a kid, it doesn’t feel like I ever had parents or a family now, like Ive always been alone. I had to pack up our house and move into a basement in one week. I didn’t cry at her funeral, I didn’t know how to and the SSRIs made that easier too. I’d cry in my sleep, my dreams but that was all, just wake up later and feel blank. The next year my uncle died of cancer too. I went to that funeral too but hid under my beanie cause my head was shaved, I wasn’t coping with living on my own real well. My gramma was the only one left and she lived by me for awhile in a retirement place; I’d be about the only one who’d visit but all she’d do was sit in front of the TV all the time, it was sad. I went to her home’s Xmas dinner and she seemed happy and maybe that’s all she needed to let herself pass away in her sleep that night. I didn’t go to that one, funeral’d out. I lived like a recluse in my basement for next couple years and often drank myself to sleep because my head would be going so fast. I’d come off my meds and was spinning into panic attacks & constant OCD obsessions, staying up till 5 am and sleeping all day. I didn’t see people for days at a time and even then it was just cashiers; only one friend I had I saw inconsistently. My cousin OD and ended up in a coma. We went to see her in the hospital and she was all yellow from her liver. We had an intervention for her when she woke up and sent her to rehab in America. It didn’t work. My dad got cancer but toughed it out at the same time my cousin stayed with me a few weeks but broke down and cried when i tried to talk really real with her, now that I knew what that was. I thought I’d found someone to connect with, she’d know how much everything sucked I thought. She slept all day and made a mess so I was glad when she left. My head was still spinning and my anxiety was off the charts. I ended up in the ER one night puking into the trash from dread. I didn’t want to move too much, going outside made me nervous, I thought about God alot and all sorts of weird insights when my mind wasn’t going on some nightmare OCD trip. I started DBT this September, I was barely sleeping for awhile, I so was exhausted, I went to a reiki lady and she said that my family’s karma wasn’t gonna come get me like I feared, that I should learn to meditate and go to bed earlier. She was really bright and loving and made me feel so small and disgusting. Mindfullness has slowed down my head now but I still feel crushed and alone. I think about God alot still.