I am a 14 year old white girl. I am fairly popular so I have been told, but I’m so alone.

I honestly think I should commit suicide at this point… The only reason I haven’t already is because I’m afraid a few of my friends will follow me. That’s what they say anyways.. Then again, they could just be saying that. I’ll never know. All I know is life is too much. I know it could get better, I just don’t really wanna stick around that long to see..
Marriage scares me and so does having kids. I’ve been raped and as used verbally by mostly males in my life. My dad practically abandoned me and my mom when I was about 4 . I understand it’s because of his alcoholism, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. All of the women in my family’s marriages are either finished, messed up, or the man (like my step dad) is verbally and to an extent- physically abusive as well. I wanna help my mom but she chooses him over me anyways.

I have 3 other siblings and only 2 of them are related to each other. I’m the oldest of course so I’m expected to be their guide considering their parents won’t be there much for it. My mom will, but not my dad, sisters’ mom, or my step dad. I’m terrified of marriage and having kids because of my family disasters and the continuous pattern the women in my family have.

I am attracted to girls as well, which is a very hard thing to deal with considering my family doesn’t have an gay/bi ancestors . If there was, they married to hide it. I however told my mom and my dad. My mom cried but is somewhat supportive. My dad is completely supportive… Not all of my friends have been though. People at school aren’t of course, so I haven’t come out completely. Only a select few know.

My ex girlfriend and ex boyfriend have now been dating for about 2 and 1/2 months.. I’m still in love with my ex gf, but she is the reason I started cutting again. I’m not the type and have never been the type of person to self abuse because of a relationship, but the things she has put me through is come truly unbearable. If people only knew the stuff she did to me… God, people wouldn’t even look at her the same.

Finally, life scares me too much. My talents are unlimited it seems growing up, but I don’t want to use them.. Why? Depression. That’s why. I have no motivation. I completely lack trust in people, including myself. I just can’t live in this world anymore.

This was probably pointless to write given the fact that it was extremely long, it’s 1:35am, and I doubt anyone wants to read about a depressed teen with daddy issues.

The last thing I want to say is: I love my family and friends. I love the people who hate me. I love he people who have bullied me. I love the people who have treated me well, as well as the ones who pretend I don’t exist. I love so much, but that’s my problem. Thank you to anyone who cared enough to love me as long as you have… And thank you to the people who have finished reading this. It’s people like you who change lives just by caring even a little. Honestly, thank you. Goodbye world, it’s been a crazy run.